Drive Your Bus

I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that this journey is hard. I've run into a few road bumps along the way and I'm working on how to get through them, learn from them, be stronger and get past them. For the last month or so I have been experiencing extremely low energy. None of my usual methods for getting my energy back has helped this time. Not the diet, the chiropractic, the NET, the hypnotherapy nor the various herbs and supplements that usually help.

I was explaining this to my acupuncturist the other day when he asked me about my energy levels. He asked me if I had been doing anything in the way of exercise for myself. With all of the honesty and shame I could muster, I said no. I had been doing activities that required me to move, such as various types of housework, back-to-school shopping, walking along the 16th Street Mall in Denver, but nothing especially dedicated to me for the sole purpose of being active, in my body. "Are you driving your bus or just riding in it? I think you don't believe you are in control and you're just along for the ride." I thought about that for a minute and I had to agree with him. Then he said "If you could drive your own bus, what would it look like? What would it take for you to drive your own bus?"

To be honest, I would change several things if I thought I could, if I knew no one would be offended, think less of me, think I'm not as dedicated or just love me less in general. But the truth is, when you try to change, the rest of the world doesn't necessarily like it. I know I don't really like too much change. I find it unsettling and unstable. And the times I've experienced growth in myself, I've also experienced the loss of friends or family members. So, even in myself I find it difficult to be ok with change. I was trained at an early age to not make waves, to smooth things over if someone's upset, to be quiet (kids weren't allowed to have opinions and we were to be seen and not heard), to otherwise exit the situation when someone got angry for whatever reason. So, if I want to change something in myself, I do it smally, quietly and with the least amount of disturbance to anyone else, or not at all. Well, that's not helping me.

Back to the topic, what would I do differently if I were driving my own bus? I would feel like I had time for myself first. The thing that I find lacking in me right now is the belief that I can take time for myself to exercise, and maybe more precisely, that I deserve to exercise and feel and look better. I'm pretty sure that I don't believe I deserve it or maybe even have the ability to do it because... well... I don't do it. Most of the time, when something is a priority or you believe you can do it, you just do it. This has deeper psycho-emotional roots than I'll go into here but the point is, how to get past the feeling of not deserving to take care of myself? The other hang up with finding time for myself is that there are 24 hours in a day. If I want to add something, I have to take away from something else. If I take away from something else, who or what would that be? And how does it affect those people? And what will they think of me if I can't give them as much attention as I used to? All fears that are possibly not based on truth, just my fears, my past, my childhood training stopping me. And even if they are based on truth, what's to say it isn't for the better anyway?

A few things I am working on changing:

My working hours - I'd like to have a little more time for myself to get some more education for myself, to help me achieve some of my personal goals. I have signed up for a pretty intensive online genealogy certificate class that starts in January. I'd also then like to pursue a Master's Degree next fall. This will require a real shift in me. I have to lose my fears about losing my job which I love (because I won't be giving it as much attention as I have been, see comments above), about letting someone else do the job that I've basically created from scratch and been doing for almost 4 years now. (What if they are better at it than I am? What if they are more chipper, energetic, organized, better at math, have all the right answers when the doctor asks, what if he just likes her better? And seriously, if someone is better at the job, it would be stupid for the doctor to not keep her and let me go. Read anything about hiring/firing and they will tell you so.) I have those fears and they are paralyzing.

My exercise habits - I'm honestly pretty clueless about how to exercise. I mean I get that you just move basically, walk, jog, yoga, elliptical, etc. But specific exercises that will target some problem areas that need strengthening? Weight training to build lean muscle? Working out at an appropriate level? I have no idea how to do some of that without hurting myself. Also, how to plan and achieve exercise goals? What is an appropriate exercise goal? What is reasonable to expect from someone of my level? So I'm going to get a personal trainer soon to help me with that. I have to work past the fears of looking ridiculous in exercise clothes, looking uncoordinated doing exercises that I'm not familiar with, fear of bing made fun of by other gym-goers, fear of admitting how poorly my physical level is to a trainer, of how I've "let myself go," fear of being "in" my body which I have spent so many years avoiding because of some of my past experiences. I will have to work past that nagging little voice that is constantly whispering in the back of my mind: "You can't do that, you don't deserve it, what's the point, it's not going to work anyway, you might as well sit in your chair, watch a show on TV and eat a doughnut, that would feel a lot better than this. This is hard and painful. This is making you tired. Don't do this."

Ok, so two major shifts I need to work on. I'm not getting any younger and I'd really like to break past these fears. I guess if I don't have my job anymore because someone is doing it better my attitude should be one of "thank God that Dr. John has someone taking even better care of him and his practice" and if I look silly at the gym, I should look around and see that everyone else looks silly too, silly is subjective and if I'm meeting my goals, who cares what I look like. Both of those things are easier to write than to actually believe in my heart but I'm working on it! That might just be the driving test for me to get my bus driver's license.