Resolutions, Really?: A New Take on an Old Tradition

I'm not a big fan of Christmas. As a kid it was always built up by the adults around me. "Are you excited for Christmas?" "What's Santa going to bring you?" "I'll bet you can't wait to open your presents! They are going to be great!" But after several years of the actual day not living up to the build-up that preceded it, I can just be an all out grump on Christmas. Well, now that I have kids I try to keep that in check. It is a real joy to watch them be wowed by their gifts although my son always seems disappointed in what he's gotten. (I know how you feel kid.) I don't know what I was expecting as a kid that always led to the disappointment but the way the grown-ups made it seem I'm sure it was something on the order of dancing unicorns with sparkling stars and rainbows following behind. Maybe I was hoping to get what I actually asked Santa for. Who knows. And try as we might to redirect our kids' expectations away from gifts and toward enjoying the real reason for the season, charity, giving more than receiving, my son seems plagued by the same build-up and disappointment. So this year, I've told him I haven't gotten them anything (he knows I'm kidding, I'm not THAT mean). I'm hoping maybe then when he gets the overly extravagant gift we've gotten then, he'll be satisfied and excited. Maybe not. It's not sparkly unicorns, or in his case, Goku in the flesh. But then again, maybe not. (Actually I think just like me, my son is way more impressed with gifts of time and attention than gifts of material things.)

Even as much as I dislike Christmas and the disappointment that Santa doesn't really exist, I have always loved New Year's. Especially the week leading up to it. It is exciting to have a blank slate in front of you, a whole year ahead to change things, to start fresh, to have a new life. It just feels like life is wide open. I get the euphoric sense that anything is possible. I write down goals, I plan, I make lists, I declutter and organize. There's just something about an entire year set before me that inspires me.

Of course, as time ticks by and I don't get as much done as I had hoped, I feel a little down. One way to avoid getting too down on myself for not getting as much done as I wanted is by taking what I've come to call a "year-end inventory." Basically I sit down with my calendar (I used to keep a paper daily appointment book, but now it's on my computer) and add up what I've done for the year. I make a list of all of the things I did accomplish so I can see, not relying merely on memory, what exactly I did all year. Then I can see numerically what I've done. How many times did I work out? How many times did I speak at a genealogy society? How many genealogy seminars did I attend? How many times did I do something outdoors, like hiking and camping? How many books did I read this year? (This one I keep track with Goodreads.com. If you want to be my "friend" on there just ask!) How many squares of the quilt I started four years ago did I get done this year? And on and on... your list will be different.

Then I sit down with this list and can make realistic goals for the coming year. I can say realistically that next year I'd like to read 24 books because this year I was able to read 22 and surely I can add two more books. I can realistically say that next year I'd like to speak at 15 societies because this year I spoke at 13 and if I just inquire a little more, I will surely be able to speak 3 more times. I only managed to put together one strip for the quilt I'm working on. I can probably get at least one done on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then I can plan to get four strips done in the next year. I have plenty to do and no time to sit around and whine over spilt milk. What's done is done. What's in the past is over and there's no getting it back, there's no changing what goals I didn't accomplish, and there's no since in beating myself up over it. Just take an inventory of what you've done and try to add a little more... this is the idea of the Compound Effect I wrote about early in this blog. I know in the past I've been disappointed because I have made wild, completely unrealistic goals for myself. Using my "year-end inventory" I can see what is actually realistic and go from there.

So, even though that fat jolly man isn't going to bring me a unicorn, I have a whole new year in front of me to plan, list, organize and create. I invite you to give yourself a true gift this year and try this little twist on New Year's Resolutions. Pull out your 2011 calendar and start tallying and add just a little bit more for next year. See how it works for you. I find it to be a whole lot less stressful and way more realistic. Happy Holidays and especially Happy New Year!

Coffee is Comfort

Coffee. Need I say more? It's warm, delicious, comforting somehow. This is my comfort food. It used to be mashed potatoes, when my grandma used to make them and I lived close enough to eat them in her kitchen. Some people like mac-n-cheese, others go for birthday cake or ice cream.  Since winter arrived, I have been craving coffee like mad! I know in the beginning I said I would give it up for a year, but I have failed. I don't feel too bad about it mainly because I have kept pretty steady with all of the other diet and lifestyle changes I said I'd do for a year. But coffee has kicked my butt.

There's something strong about comfort food and emotional eating. We all do it to some degree. We snack when we aren't hungry because we are bored. Feeling sad? We often reach for a carton of ice cream and watch a sappy romantic comedy. Anxious? I find myself turning to something crunchy which seems to satisfy the antsyness. Anytime we are feeling empty or lonely, having a full belly calms that feeling down and fills us up, at least temporarily. "Although there are a number of triggers that can lead to emotional eating, at the root of most cases is a desire to avoid or dull negative emotions, such as guilt, anxiety, or sadness." (Psychology Today "Emotional Eating Test")

On the flip side, I have found for myself that I tend to not eat enough when I am experiencing what I would call an "acute stress event" meaning something that's happening right now causing a lot of emotional pain. For example, when our daughter was a baby, she had to be hospitalized several times due to dehydration from excess vomiting. Watching your 10-month-old daughter have an IV inserted into her head (they are less likely to notice them there) is an "acute stress event" and the whole time I stayed in the hospital with her, I did not feel like eating. Also, if feelings of being "down" or depressed lasts long enough for me, I can also not eat enough, which will sabotage any weight loss attempts.

So, how to curb emotional eating? I found this quick and to-the-point article on the topic. Basically, exercise, taking a bath, some sort of breathing exercise or yoga, being social with a friend, playing a game, journal, clean the house, or my favorite, organize the closets and drawers. I also try to watch comedies, like short sitcoms such as The Office, 30 Rock or Friends, something that will really make me laugh. As some wise person said "laughter is the best medicine" and I might argue that a little coffee never hurt either!

Negative Space

There is a technique in art called "negative space" meaning basically, by drawing the space around the objects, you end up drawing the objects. The objects are created by the space around them and not by the objects themselves. This is a simple yet thought provoking technique. Are we made of ourselves, the "positive space" or by that which surrounds us, the "negative space?"

I know it has been a while since I have written a post. I have had a rough couple of months and I learned early on as a kid "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all." I have been under the impression that if I don't have anything positive to report then I shouldn't write. But that's not realistic, that's not the way life goes. Sometimes you make the most carefully laid and seemingly solid plans and then life throws you a curve ball.

I quit my job in October, my last day was November 11. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I loved my job. I loved the work, the people, the opportunities and the philosophy. Sometimes it becomes obvious, however, when it is time to let something go for the betterment of everyone involved. When the cons outweigh the pros, when you go home every night exhausted, when you no longer feel like you are adding to the growth of the business and instead feel like you are limiting it, then it's time to go.

It has been three weeks since I left. First, I spent many hours lying in bed grieving, wondering where I went wrong. Then I spent many hours watching The Office because it made me laugh until I got to the episode where Michael called Pam (after she quit to go back to art school) just because he missed her. Then I spent many hours reading, among other things finishing Deepak Chopra's Buddha which ends with letting go and becoming detached from everyone and everything. I have also spent some time making plans for the new chapter in my life. I have applied to grad school and while I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted, I am taking some classes at the local community college. I was also offered another job doing very similar work. I start all of this, very appropriately, in January, right after the New Year.

And even while all of this chaos has been going on in my head, I have managed to stay above water with my training and diet, which has been modified from the original Paleo diet at the request of my trainer. Unfortunately I have not made much measurable progress in terms of weight loss, fat loss and muscle gain. I began working out with my trainer in September. I work out five to six days per week, three of those include a personal training session. And still, not much progress. Rather discouraging. But I know that the key to succeeding is keeping it up, putting one sneakered foot in front of the other every day.

Last week I had another assessment and we discussed my diet more specifically. She gave me very specific guidelines to meet daily in regards to fat and carb limits, protein minimums and a target caloric intake. It turned out while what I was eating was "ok" it wasn't in the right proportions or times of day. I began using an app on my iPhone called "Lose It" which allows me to enter into a log what I am eating and then it calculates my calories, fat, carbs and protein. Then I can see exactly how much I've had. Usually I don't have enough calories or proteins. I usually find it quite difficult to get enough but the app is helping me. The first week I used it and got the proportions right, I lost 3 pounds. We will see if that trend persists. Keeping up with the exercise has also helped my mood, believe it or not.

All in all, I am honestly doing fine, much better actually. I am excited about where life is taking me. I have many new opportunities on the horizon and I have had plenty of time to process, contemplate, feel, work on issues within myself and get some things done around my house that I hadn't had time to do. I'm also traveling a bit, seeing friends and taking some time for myself. So, this new life is taking shape and I'm beginning to see the picture within.

Squats Are My Favorite

I've begun the next step in my life changing journey. I've been working with a personal trainer for about a week and a half. If you've never worked out with a trainer before I recommend you try it. It's working for me. She's great, a cute little fit brunette with a fun personality, looks great in work out pants and has a wonderful smile. (Exactly the type of girl I liked to hate in high school so this is a point of growth for me.) She is an awesome trainer, very encouraging and supportive. She's meeting me at the gym at 6am which is about the only time I can fit it into my schedule.

It is great to have an appointment to keep with someone else. I've tried exercising with a friend from time to time but they never seemed to be able to keep up the schedule for very long. So, if I have to pay someone to keep an appointment with me so be it. But with paying I get the added benefit of learning how to exercise properly plus she monitors all those fun things like my weight, resting and peak heart rates and body fat percentage. (I didn't really want to know where I'm at right now but she told me anyway. It's not pretty.)

It's not like I've never exercised. I do things like hike, snowshoe, ride my bike, yoga, etc. but they always get boring and lonely after a while and I find it difficult to keep them up. Plus, I was just not mentally ready to make the commitment to exercise regularly for a long period of time (like my lifetime). Now I'm ready, I'm doing it. Plus I laid down a chunk of change to keep me going for four months which I predict I'll keep doing. (Time to rework that budget.)

This first week of exercising has been an interesting experience. When you hike, you notice your legs getting tired. When you garden, you notice your back and arms getting tired. Working out with a trainer I notice everything getting tired. It has really opened up my body awareness. I can feel that 6-pack buried deep under the layers my midsection. Traps, quads, hamstrings, deltoids, and many others that I am not even going to try to name (I'll leave that up to the professionals). Who knew I had those muscles? Who knew they worked, could be sore, could feel good being sore.

I have spent a large portion of my life being relatively sedentary. Not to place blame, but I can see how that can be a learned behavior. When I think back over my childhood, no one exercised for the sake of exercising. No one really did anything physical except for work, working at the nursing home, working at the hardware store, working at the farm, working in the kitchen. If there was no work, we were usually sitting around watching TV or playing cards. As society changed and I don't have to work a farm, I just continued sitting on a daily basis with a few incidents of activity thrown in. I learned to sit. I learned to conserve energy even when I didn't need to be.

Feeling my body work and do things and be strong (stronger than I thought it was) and do exercises and hear "you can do it, Cari" or "only one more" or "that seemed easy, let's increase your weight next time" has been an amazing and eye-opening experience. My trainer asked me this morning what my favorite exercise was so far. The question caught me off guard. I didn't have an answer quickly. I thought about it for several minutes first wondering why I couldn't pinpoint one exercise that I like more than the others and second just feeling my body and trying to feel which muscles were happiest to be moving and working. Then the answer came to me.

"All of them," I said. "I have really enjoyed getting to feel my body work, getting to feel actual individual muscles move. Having spent most of my life sitting and never really having the opportunity to exercise properly, it is just amazing to experience all of the exercises and be doing something with my body."

"Ah, squats," she said. "Squats are your favorite."

Drive Your Bus

I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that this journey is hard. I've run into a few road bumps along the way and I'm working on how to get through them, learn from them, be stronger and get past them. For the last month or so I have been experiencing extremely low energy. None of my usual methods for getting my energy back has helped this time. Not the diet, the chiropractic, the NET, the hypnotherapy nor the various herbs and supplements that usually help.

I was explaining this to my acupuncturist the other day when he asked me about my energy levels. He asked me if I had been doing anything in the way of exercise for myself. With all of the honesty and shame I could muster, I said no. I had been doing activities that required me to move, such as various types of housework, back-to-school shopping, walking along the 16th Street Mall in Denver, but nothing especially dedicated to me for the sole purpose of being active, in my body. "Are you driving your bus or just riding in it? I think you don't believe you are in control and you're just along for the ride." I thought about that for a minute and I had to agree with him. Then he said "If you could drive your own bus, what would it look like? What would it take for you to drive your own bus?"

To be honest, I would change several things if I thought I could, if I knew no one would be offended, think less of me, think I'm not as dedicated or just love me less in general. But the truth is, when you try to change, the rest of the world doesn't necessarily like it. I know I don't really like too much change. I find it unsettling and unstable. And the times I've experienced growth in myself, I've also experienced the loss of friends or family members. So, even in myself I find it difficult to be ok with change. I was trained at an early age to not make waves, to smooth things over if someone's upset, to be quiet (kids weren't allowed to have opinions and we were to be seen and not heard), to otherwise exit the situation when someone got angry for whatever reason. So, if I want to change something in myself, I do it smally, quietly and with the least amount of disturbance to anyone else, or not at all. Well, that's not helping me.

Back to the topic, what would I do differently if I were driving my own bus? I would feel like I had time for myself first. The thing that I find lacking in me right now is the belief that I can take time for myself to exercise, and maybe more precisely, that I deserve to exercise and feel and look better. I'm pretty sure that I don't believe I deserve it or maybe even have the ability to do it because... well... I don't do it. Most of the time, when something is a priority or you believe you can do it, you just do it. This has deeper psycho-emotional roots than I'll go into here but the point is, how to get past the feeling of not deserving to take care of myself? The other hang up with finding time for myself is that there are 24 hours in a day. If I want to add something, I have to take away from something else. If I take away from something else, who or what would that be? And how does it affect those people? And what will they think of me if I can't give them as much attention as I used to? All fears that are possibly not based on truth, just my fears, my past, my childhood training stopping me. And even if they are based on truth, what's to say it isn't for the better anyway?

A few things I am working on changing:

My working hours - I'd like to have a little more time for myself to get some more education for myself, to help me achieve some of my personal goals. I have signed up for a pretty intensive online genealogy certificate class that starts in January. I'd also then like to pursue a Master's Degree next fall. This will require a real shift in me. I have to lose my fears about losing my job which I love (because I won't be giving it as much attention as I have been, see comments above), about letting someone else do the job that I've basically created from scratch and been doing for almost 4 years now. (What if they are better at it than I am? What if they are more chipper, energetic, organized, better at math, have all the right answers when the doctor asks, what if he just likes her better? And seriously, if someone is better at the job, it would be stupid for the doctor to not keep her and let me go. Read anything about hiring/firing and they will tell you so.) I have those fears and they are paralyzing.

My exercise habits - I'm honestly pretty clueless about how to exercise. I mean I get that you just move basically, walk, jog, yoga, elliptical, etc. But specific exercises that will target some problem areas that need strengthening? Weight training to build lean muscle? Working out at an appropriate level? I have no idea how to do some of that without hurting myself. Also, how to plan and achieve exercise goals? What is an appropriate exercise goal? What is reasonable to expect from someone of my level? So I'm going to get a personal trainer soon to help me with that. I have to work past the fears of looking ridiculous in exercise clothes, looking uncoordinated doing exercises that I'm not familiar with, fear of bing made fun of by other gym-goers, fear of admitting how poorly my physical level is to a trainer, of how I've "let myself go," fear of being "in" my body which I have spent so many years avoiding because of some of my past experiences. I will have to work past that nagging little voice that is constantly whispering in the back of my mind: "You can't do that, you don't deserve it, what's the point, it's not going to work anyway, you might as well sit in your chair, watch a show on TV and eat a doughnut, that would feel a lot better than this. This is hard and painful. This is making you tired. Don't do this."

Ok, so two major shifts I need to work on. I'm not getting any younger and I'd really like to break past these fears. I guess if I don't have my job anymore because someone is doing it better my attitude should be one of "thank God that Dr. John has someone taking even better care of him and his practice" and if I look silly at the gym, I should look around and see that everyone else looks silly too, silly is subjective and if I'm meeting my goals, who cares what I look like. Both of those things are easier to write than to actually believe in my heart but I'm working on it! That might just be the driving test for me to get my bus driver's license.

Like an Onion

Donkey said it best "not everyone likes onions ... but everyone likes parfait."

It is my understanding and becoming my experience that every thing has layers whether it's onions, parfait or healing. I've been eating basically the Paleo Diet for almost 3 months now. I've lost about 20 lbs. I'd like to lose 40-50 more to get to my "ideal" weight, at least according to various height and weight charts online. I've experienced a marked improvement in my brain function, meaning I've had clearer thoughts, slightly improved in math or left brain operations which has always been a challenge for me.

I'm definitely seeing that I need to change more things in my life. There are areas that need to grow and improve and change and remodel. For one thing, I can't really get to my ideal weight by changing my eating alone. Serious and consistent exercise needs to be added to my regime. And my current hang-up about that is 2-fold. I don't think I have time and I don't think I can do it. Both are excuses and both are hanging me up. Everyone has the same 24-hours in their day and other people manage to get to the gym or go for a run or whatever it is that people do for exercise, that I'm not doing.

So it really is a matter of priorities. It comes down to making that decision and just doing it. The same as I did in the beginning of this journey with the food. Is losing weight and getting into shape a priority for me? I think it is or I wouldn't have started this thing in the first place and if it is, then I need to start acting like it!

Dr. Charlie Ward says if you want to accomplish a goal, make them easy and attainable. So start out slow. So I'm going to say this week, I'm going to do one work out that cause me to sweat. Just one. Next week, I'll go for two and so on. If you make goals hard you'll never attain and you'll never get that sense of accomplishment and that "I really can do this" boost.

Then, once I get that layer unwrapped, we will see what comes up next. Will it be stinky like an onion or tasty like parfait?

The View from the Top

I recently hiked a "fourteener" or a 14,000+ foot mountain here in Colorado, Mount Sherman. That is apparently a pretty big achievement. Everyone I told about it said "WOW! That's awesome!" or "Congratulations!" or some other sentiment and it seems like I have done something bigger than I thought it was. I thought everyone who's outdoorsy in Colorado has hiked a fourteener. Apparently not. Many people have said to me that they haven't done it yet. So I felt even more excited with myself for having done it. I am still feeling the effects, my calves are killing me and I almost couldn't get myself up and down my stairs for a few days.

There were many moments in the climb where I doubted myself. Not so much physically, I knew that if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, I would make it. It was more of a mental process. I was breathing hard, my legs were aching, I was getting sun burnt, and every time I looked up to see how far I'd gone it was like the trail had gotten longer and steeper. I asked myself on several occasions, "Why did I want to do this?" I found my inner dialog saying things like "No one will care or judge you if you stop now and go back down. It's ok. We don't need to make it to the very top, the view is great right here. I'm so slow and everyone is way ahead, if I turn back now, they will catch up to me." And etc.

I was reminded of Darren Hardy's book The Compound Effect where he talks with Lance Armstrong who said that it's not finding your walls that's important, it's what you do beyond the walls. He talked about mental walls in physical activity and how often, your biggest obstacle is yourself in a race. I kept that in mind every time I found myself doubting, wanting to turn back, convinced that the pain was not worth it. I kept saying "it's what I do beyond my wall ... it's what I do after I get to my wall that is important" and I was determined not to give up. I used a bit of anger to keep me going to. Anger that I have in the past always talked myself out of achieving goals because I thought I wasn't able to do them or didn't deserve to achieve. Anger and determination got me to the top.

So, I've learned can do pretty much anything I set my mind to, be the tortoise and put one foot in front of the other until you get there. I've changed my diet and now I've climbed a really tall mountain. The rest should be a cinch, right?

Betraying the Heartland

I am born from a long line of farmers. In my "spare" time I am also a genealogist and have researched most of my family lines back to when they came to America from some far off land. And most of them were farmers who happily pursued the life their fathers set before them–agriculture. My ancestors planted, tilled, harvested the food that today is now useless if not downright harmful to our bodies! They didn't know, they didn't do it on purpose, they did not set out to harm people. Actually, the seeds my ancestors started out with are not the same seeds we have today. Of all of the genetically modified foods (GMO) that are grown, wheat, corn and soy beans are probably the worst and they are in every kind of processed food. I hope you read your food labels. You will see ingredients derived from corn, soy and wheat.

My family and I just returned from a visit to my family that remains in Ohio where I grew up. My grandfather owned an 80 acre farm outside of Perrysburg, Ohio where he grew corn, soy beans and wheat until he became unable to farm any longer. As a child I would happily ride along in the tractor while he tilled, planted or harvested. They also had a very large garden on their farm where they grew fresh vegetables, some of the only fresh vegetables I ate as a kid since my parents moved me into the city and we only ate canned vegetables most of the time. My favorite thing to do was to take a salt shaker and head into the garden where I would eat fresh, juicy tomatoes right off the plant with a little salt!

My point is, times have changed. My grandparents ate a pretty good diet of food they grew on their farm. But as food got cheaper and easier to just buy at the store, we started buying food at the store. We bought all kinds of processed food. My grandma used to make her own egg noodles, now we can spend no time at all doing that and just buy them at the store. Grandma used to make her own ketchup! Now, a bottle is like $2.00 and you spent no time making it. The less time making the food the more time for other important things ... like going to work (to pay for the big fancy house or the car or the iPad2) or to party with your friends, or to travel to far away places. Whatever your situation is, I'm doing the exact same things. But to who's benefit? What are we gaining by not spending time doing these "old fashioned" activities? I'm not sure what we are gaining but I'll tell you that I see all around me that we are losing our health.

The way I think about what to eat is simple. How close to God is the food? I don't mean that to be a religious idea so much as how close to Nature is it? Is that the way it is found in nature? (A box of macaroni and cheese ... most definitely not.) Did God intend the food to be that way? (GMO food ... I don't think so.) If it wasn't alive a few seconds/weeks before you're eating it, you probably shouldn't be eating it. Things that have a long shelf life are full of additives and preservatives that are harmful to our bodies and contributing to our health problems. If we would go back to eating fresh, locally grown, non processed foods, I am certain that a lot of our health problems would go away.

So when I was back in Ohio last week, my family tried their best to accommodate our "weird" way of eating. But I want them to all know that that "weird" way could be changing their lives too! We used the fact that my husband and kids are gluten intolerant and can't eat gluten as our reasoning. They can't argue with a medical condition... but I felt a little bit like I was betraying my ancestors by being negative about their way of life, of the way they lived and survived that I might be here today, here today touting that grains are bad for us! Ironic I think. But I have already seen huge changes in myself and I am hoping it isn't too late for me to not develop cancer or diabetes or heart disease by changing now.

Clutter For Sale - CHEAP!

It has been a little while since I've written a post... I spent last week purging my stuff and getting it ready for a garage sale. We've lived in our house for 8 years now and the stuff really piles up! I was ready to get rid of a lot of stuff. I let go of things that I am not attached to anymore and some things that I thought I might be attached to but after thinking about it, was not as attached as I thought I was.

I really felt the need to get out from under a lot of "stuff" much like I felt the need to purge my body from a lot of "stuff" ... internal, physical clutter. We don't need to hang on to all of the stuff, all of the items we seem to think are going to make us feel better, going to fulfill us somehow when all that really happens is a short amount of distraction time with whatever new item you just bought and then it sits in the basement or the closet for the next eight years until you have a garage sale.

We think that buying, collecting, accumulating stuff is going to solve something. I know we are a consumer society, but did you ever think about why? I am sure there are a lot of theories out there about societal order and the reasons about why things are the way they are. However, in my own life, I am pretty sure it serves as a distraction from what I don't want to deal with or it serves to fulfill some perceived hole in my self. And by buying and collecting more and more stuff I think I can fill that hole. Basically, years later, thousands of dollars gone, and stuff up to my eyeballs I still perceive an inner hole and now I have a bunch of unwanted stuff and a credit card bill.

I was beginning to feel like I was on an episode of "Hoarders" ... After our garage sale was over, we still donated 5 giant bags of clothes, 6 boxes of books, and over flowed our giant trash can and recycling can! It feels great! It is amazing how much so much stuff can really bog you down. So, just like purging the physical, body clutter I have also cleared up a lot of the external "stuff" clutter.

I have had a lot of fear bout letting go of stuff. "If I don't have this stuff, then what is left?" And the fear is that what's left is not good for anything. That the stuff that's left is just ME and then the insecurities, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness (that probably all of us have, just some more than others) creep in and tell me that what's left is nothing. That I (ME) isn't good enough.

So I'm "sitting" with this right now, that there's a lot less left. Obviously I didn't get rid of EVERYTHING and join a monastery with a vow of poverty. I still have stuff, but I let go of a lot of stuff and everything seems a little bit more clear now.

Clearing out the Cobwebs

Cobwebs and dust, old boxes, trash, yellowed newspapers... this might sound like someone's attic but really it is what I feel like I used to be like inside before I undertook this journey. I'm just so much more clear in my head. Years of crap have been cleaned out of my brain, my mind, my soul.

I think it's interesting that we can generally put on a pretty good front, never really letting people know us. I think over the years I got pretty good at seeming happy, smiling, making jokes, being helpful. But the people who know you most or who are paying more attention can tell when you're not being true. Over the past year maybe, it got harder and harder for me to keep up the front, or maybe the people around me were just being more aware. In either case, this undertaking was bound to happen.

I've been on a path to try to heal some issues from my past. Spiritually speaking, it has become apparent to my that God has a purpose for me and all of the stuff that happened to me. I've been getting this message over and over and over again. When I hear the same message so many times, I start to think God must be telling me something. I've heard this from various trusted people in my life, Dr. John started it and it just keeps coming at me. Saturday night I attended Flatirons Church in Lafayette and the message followed along with lines of thought from several of my last blog posts. And then Jim said something to the effect of "Plenty of people have had the same things happen to them and they are no longer in the race. Why are you still here? God still has a purpose for your life."

So, by cleaning out the cobwebs, I have been able to hear God more clearly. I'm beginning to feel and understand and really get some of His promises and principles that I've struggled with for a long time. It is amazing me still everyday since I started this diet how far-reaching it has been and everyday I'm excited to see what new area is going to open up for me because I'm not bogged down by the crap.

Be the Tortoise

You are going to run into challenges with whatever you are doing in your life. That's what life is about. I believe if there were no challenges, no curve balls, no seemingly bad situations that arise for you to overcome, that's when life is over. That's when God decides we're done here and he takes us home.

Sometimes, just a little bit of cake doesn't seem so bad. Sometimes that little voice starts talking to you, convincing you that "it's just one bite of cake. That's not going to hurt you." But I now see and am in control of knowing that "just one bite" turns into the whole darned thing and, as my friend Kelly put it "well, shit, I just already ate crappy, what else can I shove in my mouth?" And then before I know it, I've consistently eaten crappy for weeks on end.

Darren Hardy talks about your "walls" in his book The Compound Effect. The "walls" are those times when you have to decide if you're going to keep going or not. He says in the book that "it's not getting to the wall that counts; it's what you do after you hit it." He stated "Winning the race is all about pace. Be the tortoise. The person who, given enough time, will be virtually anybody in any competition as a result of positive habits and behaviors applied consistently."

I would describe myself as the tortoise. I can stick with situations even when they are tough, I have consistent routines (some would call that being in a rut), I persevere through situations or relationships, I stick things out. I am loyal beyond when it's even healthy for me to be loyal. So I have the ability to keep the pace for a long, consistent time.

However, I would have to say that over the past 38 years, the things I've been consistent with have not been serving me well. I have not been healthy, I have not been happy, I have not been energetic or excited about life, I have not been able to stand up for myself when I've needed to. I have been consistently eating poorly, drinking coffee, drinking alcohol, not exercising, etc. All of these things over time, have yielded depression, anxiety, weight gain, illness, and a general dissatisfaction with life.

Lance Armstrong wrote "there is a point in every race when a rider encounters his real opponent and understands that it's himself." I came to that point when I decided to "go all in" on this diet. I came to the understanding that I was the one holding ME back. I had to get OK with that, take the responsibility for it, and then work to overcome MYSELF. It's so true. They say "you are your own worst enemy." No one can control what you are thinking about, what you are are happy, sad or angry about. You have to decide what you are going to do, what you are going to have and what you are going to be.

"...you get in life what you tolerate... Put another way, you will get what you accept and expect you are worthy of." And my favorite way of saying the same idea: "If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always got." (I don't know who said that first but it sums it up pretty well!)

When things come together

For years, I have struggled with depression, mental fatigue, extremely low energy and just a general unhappiness or dissatisfaction with my life. Everyone has a traumatic childhood in one way or another. I won't bore you with details here, that's a story for another day. But I've struggled to make peace with the past and let go of some of that past hurt that just needs to heal.

For the past almost 4 years I've been working with Dr. John Wendt to try to heal many of these past traumas using Neuro-Emotional Technique (NET). We've also worked on my diet and balancing my blood sugar; he's done a lot of structural work on my spine; we've worked on goal-setting, positive thinking, etc. He's even gotten me seeing a hypnotherapist, Rachel Mullis Koenigsburg! Each new thing Dr. John has done has been one step closer to feeling like I'm getting better.

I've been eating mainly vegetables and meat for 3 weeks now. No coffee, alcohol, sugar, grains (with the exception of a little rice, and by little I mean I've maybe had about 1 cup of rice total in the last 3 weeks) or dairy. And I'm feeling great! No only physically but mentally and emotionally I'm much clearer. Decisions don't seem so difficult. I don't feel emotionally swept up in other people's drama. If someone treats me like a jerk, then they can go ahead. And if it really messes up my day, I've been able to say so lately. Things that happen that would normally upset me, don't seem to be big deals anymore. It feels like all of the crap that was storing up in my body and brain was weighing me down, clouding my mind and keeping me from feeling happiness.

It's like many pieces of a big puzzle are finally coming together and making a bigger picture that I can begin to understand. I was always on the right path with the work I've been doing with Dr. John. But I had to make the decision to go "all in" and really give the change in diet a chance. I feel like it is having such a positive affect on many areas of my health and I can't emphasize enough that you really "are what you eat." If you eat crap, you're going to feel like crap. If you eat food that's full of vitality, energy and nutrients, you will be full of energy and vitality!

Thinking of how all of these "roads" are coming together for me, I am reminded of this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

The Doubters

Sometimes, when you want to make a change, you will run into opposition from those in your world. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. will sometimes "poo poo" your desire to do something seemingly radical for yourself. I have decided to cut out certain foods from my diet for one year to see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to coming out the other end feeling and looking great. But there are doubters. People either seem to think I won't be able to do it for an entire year or they don't understand why I'm doing it and are down on the idea.

I'm on day 12. I ate at a hamburger place with Dr. John today. Hamburgers, good ones, not fast food crap, with all the fixins like mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, onions, and a steaming pile of fries are one of my favorite meals. A milkshake is just a bonus, not a necessary part of the meal but who doesn't like a milkshake? I did ok. I did feel a pang of sadness that I couldn't join him in his enjoyment of the fries, the milkshake, the bun, the condiments. Just a burger patty, lettuce, onions and water for me please. But the burger wrapped in lettuce with an onion on top tasted good. I tried to concentrate on enjoying his friendship rather than on what I couldn't eat at that moment in time.

I need to focus on what I have, not what I don't have. This is apparent in other aspects of my life but this diet is bringing it to the forefront of my awareness. I also need to keep in mind why I'm doing this. What my goals are. And to remember that reaching my goals is not an instant gratification situation. It took me years of eating crappy to put on the weight and develop the depression, the lethargy, the warning signs of diabetes. It's going to take some time to rectify the situation.

Since posting my first blog entry (which originated on my facebook page) I received a very encouraging message from a friend. I knew this guy in college sort of. He was the friend of a friend so we hung out occasionally, usually completely unplanned. And what I knew of him was that he wrote poetry, wore flannel (Kurt Cobain style), he smoked and drank. He was kind of dark. He is the last person I would have expected to respond to my declaration of my radical diet change. But that just proves to me that impressions are just that, impressions, and what's underneath is usually a lot deeper and more real.

He gave me permission to quote some of his letter here. His story is amazing!

• hey!
  I know it's been ages since we've talked. You probably know very little about me since my Laramie days.
  
  I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis in 2009. I had a splenectomy, I was put on high dosages of Prednisone, Methotrexate, and because of those, lots of other drugs to counteract the side effects from them.
  
  The Prednisone caused me insatiable hunger cravings. I went from 190 to 260lbs in 3 months. Prednisone increases your chances of developing diabetes, it gives you hypertension, edema, and to top it all off, it gave me this uncontrollable rage. Then they took me off the Prednisone. And they did it very quickly. It sent me into a huge depression, and proved to be the last straw for my marriage.
  
  They wanted me to continue taking methotrexate, which is a horrible drug. It would have killed my liver and required a transplant within a few years.
  
  But I just stopped taking all of it.
  
  And I did an elimination diet. I did 1 month of nothing but lettuce and radishes and water.
  
  It was hell.
  
  BUT! I completely normalized. My sarcoids went away, I started losing weight, (I started working out too). I stopped drinking soda. At the end of the month I was going to reintroduce the main food groups. This was to determine what food allergies I had. When I was a kid I knew I was allergic to wheat, but I thought I grew out of it as an adult.
  
  It turns out that I was still horribly allergic to it, but my body was internalizing the reaction. Within hours of introducing wheat back into my diet, I broke out in hives and got pretty ill.
  
  So I gave myself a week on the lettuce and radishes, and then tried corn. I was fine. Milk, good. Rice, great.
  
  Now, on top of all of these things, I had tremendous back pain as well. Mine was in my upper back. I had seen chiropractors as well, and nothing offered relief. After the diet, the back pain was gone.
  
  So...I've cut out wheat from my diet. ALMOST completely. It's so hard to NOT have it sometimes, since it's in everything. I don't kill myself. I enjoy my foods. I've discovered NEW foods that are amazingly delicious, and leave you feeling great. It's amazing how much I used to crave a burger or something shitty. Now I crave spinach and beans and rice and sushi. I crave good foods, and when I eat them, I feel good.
  
  I am down to 175lbs. I still have a lot of fat around my midsection from the Prednisone side effects. But I work out everyday. And I started small.
  
  Start small. Don't do anything drastic. It wont work. It's like a new hobby. You have to learn it. You have to practice at it...
  
  I just went through a really hard time, but I came out with a better view on life.
  
  I turned 36 in March. Days before my birthday I went surfing for the first time in my life. I fit into a very snug wet suit and wasn't self conscious and I could actually...well, aside from sucking at surfing, keep up with the 20 year olds...
  
  If you need support. Let me know. I know how vital it is. I know we don't really know each other, but that doesn't matter.
  
  If I can be of any encouragement, I would be honored to offer my help.
  
  -Kelly

I was honored that he shared his story with me and baffled, honestly. It was not at all what I expected! Completely opposite of the guy I remember from Laramie! That's so awesome! I was sorry to hear he had to go through such hard times to come to the decision to clean up his diet. I am thankfully not going through a life or death situation. I'm just seeing so many people in my world, my family, who's health is just going to hell because of their lifestyle choices. My father had lung cancer, my aunt just got diagnosed with breast cancer and my cousin, only a few years old than I, may have just suffered a heart attack. We are waiting to hear.

One of the BIG reasons I'm doing this is to not be a victim of my body anymore. My thinking has always been that it's someone or something else's fault that I'm like this–that I eat like this, that I look like this. It is MY responsibility what I put into my body. No one forced me to eat all of those cheeseburgers, fries, pizzas, sodas, glutenous treats. It was all me. And I'm responsible.

I'm responsible.

I want to be healthy when my kids have kids, I want to hike up Long's Peak and make it to the top, I want to travel to all of the continents, I want to look good in a pair of shorts, or my arch-nemesis, the bathing suit. I want the self-confidence that comes not just from looking great (because that's only a side benefit of my goal) but from feeling great, from accomplishing an amazing goal. I can't do any of those things if I'm sick or too overweight to walk.

So, to the doubters I say "I don't care what you think. I'm going to do it, I'm going to make it!" And I am.

Birthday Cake

Cravings are funny things... I spent the entire day unable to think about just about anything besides birthday cake. I visited an elderly patient/friend at her 90th Birthday celebration over the weekend. I arrived in the middle right after they had served the cake. I could smell it when I walked in the door. I tried to avoid eye contact with the cake. I knew if I looked at it my will would leave my body and I'd be at the will of that fine, moist, chocolatey goodness. So I looked only at Ruth and the floor, anywhere else and that cake would have gotten the best of me!

Ever since then, I have an overwhelming desire to eat birthday cake! I even had a dream about it last night. This is bad. Trying to convince myself not to eat one of my most favorite treats is HARD! To say the least. It is like a magnet pulling me toward exactly what I don't want which is gluten, added pounds, sluggish metabolism, afternoon fatigue ... depression.

I spent most of the day living in, allowing myself to feel, an overwhelming sadness. I can't decide if it had anything to do with the weather (it was cold and rainy here again) or if it is related to my dietary choices and the fact that I probably won't eat birthday cake again, at least not like I used to, with gluten and those beautiful frosting flowers. I mean that's just sad. But I didn't dwell on why I felt so sad, I just let it be, because it always passes. Tomorrow is another day, one that is likely better than today. Dr. John said to me today (something he heard somewhere) that your past is dead, it's over, and there's no getting it back, and why would you want to? Each day you live is better than the one before. Everyday you grow, change, and get one day closer to God.

So I don't know if birthday cake is completely in my past and dead, but it was three days ago I was in the same room as a cake and didn't have a piece! But the delicious aroma is still lingering in my nostrils. And the best thing is? I didn't eat a piece. Not one crumb, not one lick of frosting! Amazing. Cake is like crack. Maybe I need a 12-step program...

Day 6 - Feeling Great!

So, I started out as all detoxification diets go: sluggish, flu-like symptoms, blood sugar imbalance, headache, shakes, exhausted, cranky. It was like withdrawing from drugs. And I guess that's an accurate description. I was addicted, addicted to gluten, sugar, coffee ... convenience.

I made it through the withdrawal symptoms more quickly than I have in the past when undergoing a detoxification diet. Usually it has taken about four days. This time only two and I don't know if that is because I did a detox in January or because I'm taking Repairvite right now. (Repairvite is a product from Apex Energetics that is meant to help heal the gut lining while on a strict diet.) By Friday I was feeling GREAT! My energy is up, I don't feel sluggish trying to get up in the morning, my mood is better and I've lost 7 lbs!

I would have to say that the hardest part is changing my habits. It is a habit to stop by the coffee shop in the morning or during the day if I'm going to take a drive somewhere. It is a habit to not prepare my meals ahead of time and thus finding myself hungry and away from home and falling into the fast food trap. It is a habit to feel crappy and sleep until the last possible minute in the morning thereby not getting up to exercise or read an uplifting book. It is a habit that when I'm alone, often depressed, I reach for a sugary food item to make myself feel better in the moment when all that does is add calories and inches and more sluggishness.

The second hardest part is shutting up that voice in my head that keeps saying "Just one cup of coffee isn't going to hurt anything... Just one small cookie, that's not going to set you back... You'll never be able to do this for a whole year, you might as well give up now and save yourself some time. Why deny yourself these things that make you feel good?" That voice is tricky sometimes! I have found myself listening it it unconsciously, very nearly buying a coffee or a brownie before I realized what I was doing! It's scary how unconscious we become... We live on autopilot and don't put a lot of thought into our actions.

I'm still reading Darren Hardy's The Compound Effect which is a great manual for getting a hold of your life again. I just read the section on "bookends" for your day. You may not be able to control what goes on in the middle of your day, taking your kids to school, traffic, interactions at work, the line at the grocery store, but you can control the beginning and end of your day through having a routine. This is the next part of my journey, setting up a good morning and night routine.

I've been waking up at 5am all on my own the last few days. My plan with that time is to change my habit of laying in bed to getting up and exercising and/or reading a good book. I also tend to watch a TV show before bed and before I know it, it's 10:30 or 11:00. I'd like to change that bookend to be one of journaling, blogging and reading. Just getting control over my "bookends" and doing what I want and what is good for me will be so powerful.

I'm doing great so far and I'm so excited about where I will be in 359 days!

My 1-year plan

I'm doing something radical. It's time to change my life. I've suffered from chronic low back pain, depression, being overweight, and it's time I took back my life. I'm tired of feeling broken, unable, victimized, left out, unhappy, dissatisfied and sad.

I work with an amazing doctor, Dr. John Wendt, who has been teaching me, either by teaching me when we have a few minutes in the office, or through sharing his patients' successes with me, or by being a role model, about health. Most specifically about how we can take care of our health ourselves, take responsibility for how we are or where we are physically.

Over the past 3 1/2 years that I've worked with Dr. John, I have done several detoxification diets. This in and of itself is an amazing thing to me when I look back at who I was 5 years ago. I would never have thought that I would be able to or even want to control what I eat for a certain amount of time in order to see a positive change in my health. I just didn't know it was possible. I felt a victim to my genetics, to my own body, to the media, to being too busy, whatever, and I didn't look at ME as the reason.

If you've never done a detoxification diet, depending on the specific diet, you cut out certain foods and eat only good, healthy food, mainly meat, vegetables and fruits and you do this for 21 days. There are several different diets that I've done each involving their own supplements or shakes. But it didn't matter which one, the challenge has always been the same. I have terrible food cravings. TERRIBLE. Honestly, it's a voice in my head convincing me that just one coffee, chocolate, fast food hamburger and fries, Dr. Pepper, etc. will be ok. I understand the health benefits of these diets but the over arching benefit has been being able to control the cravings, control the voice. And honestly, I haven't always been "perfect" on these diets. The voice convinces me that just one bite is ok. (Well before you know it, you've eaten an entire slice of pizza, or had several potato chips instead of that "just one" you originally intended.

I've been reading Darren Hardy's "The Compound Effect" which is an awesome book. He says that in order to change, to get the Compound Effect you should test yourself and see if you own your habits or if they own you. He challenges his readers to quit a habit (coffee, Dr. Pepper, TV, etc) for 30 days, just to make sure you can do it. I think if you can't it's as strong as any drug addiction. I was really affected by the idea of my habits owning me... and I think this is where I have been living for the past 5, 10, 15 years?

So, last night, Dr. John and I were sitting in a seminar put on by Apex Energetics. Dr. Steadman was speaking about how the integrity of the gut affects the brain. This company has a new product and diet out called Repairvite which basically helps your body heal the gut lining and in turn many brain-based problems clear up. I had decided several weeks ago to go on this diet for two reasons, it would be "good" for me and I like undergoing the diets and other therapies that Dr. John gives his patients so I know what they are going through and I can answer their questions effectively when they call the office. Dr. Steadman is describing how really badly some people's health is and how awesome this diet is and how it can really help them. I said to Dr. John "so why would you not just keep eating this way if it is so beneficial? ... I'm going to eat this way for a long time." Now, I don't know which one of us suggested a year, but I said yes and we shook on it!

A year without eating gluten, coffee, alcohol, chocolate?!? What was I thinking? Actually I feel quite sound in my decision and I'm posting it here to have some accountability. I plan on writing about it from time to time to keep you updated or to keep myself motivated... either way.

So my biggest challenge right now is not giving in to that voice that's trying to convince me that one sip of coffee won't hurt! BUT... I have managed to go to the coffee shop twice and order herbal tea! And this was while no one was around, no one would have known if I'd have had one small cup of coffee! Hooray for me!