Moving

I am moving this blog to WordPress... http://oneyearsjourney.wordpress.com/

Come join me over there! I have been meditating and pondering and getting my self back in line and am ready to pick up, not where I left off, but from where I am now.

Resolutions, Really?: A New Take on an Old Tradition

I'm not a big fan of Christmas. As a kid it was always built up by the adults around me. "Are you excited for Christmas?" "What's Santa going to bring you?" "I'll bet you can't wait to open your presents! They are going to be great!" But after several years of the actual day not living up to the build-up that preceded it, I can just be an all out grump on Christmas. Well, now that I have kids I try to keep that in check. It is a real joy to watch them be wowed by their gifts although my son always seems disappointed in what he's gotten. (I know how you feel kid.) I don't know what I was expecting as a kid that always led to the disappointment but the way the grown-ups made it seem I'm sure it was something on the order of dancing unicorns with sparkling stars and rainbows following behind. Maybe I was hoping to get what I actually asked Santa for. Who knows. And try as we might to redirect our kids' expectations away from gifts and toward enjoying the real reason for the season, charity, giving more than receiving, my son seems plagued by the same build-up and disappointment. So this year, I've told him I haven't gotten them anything (he knows I'm kidding, I'm not THAT mean). I'm hoping maybe then when he gets the overly extravagant gift we've gotten then, he'll be satisfied and excited. Maybe not. It's not sparkly unicorns, or in his case, Goku in the flesh. But then again, maybe not. (Actually I think just like me, my son is way more impressed with gifts of time and attention than gifts of material things.)

Even as much as I dislike Christmas and the disappointment that Santa doesn't really exist, I have always loved New Year's. Especially the week leading up to it. It is exciting to have a blank slate in front of you, a whole year ahead to change things, to start fresh, to have a new life. It just feels like life is wide open. I get the euphoric sense that anything is possible. I write down goals, I plan, I make lists, I declutter and organize. There's just something about an entire year set before me that inspires me.

Of course, as time ticks by and I don't get as much done as I had hoped, I feel a little down. One way to avoid getting too down on myself for not getting as much done as I wanted is by taking what I've come to call a "year-end inventory." Basically I sit down with my calendar (I used to keep a paper daily appointment book, but now it's on my computer) and add up what I've done for the year. I make a list of all of the things I did accomplish so I can see, not relying merely on memory, what exactly I did all year. Then I can see numerically what I've done. How many times did I work out? How many times did I speak at a genealogy society? How many genealogy seminars did I attend? How many times did I do something outdoors, like hiking and camping? How many books did I read this year? (This one I keep track with Goodreads.com. If you want to be my "friend" on there just ask!) How many squares of the quilt I started four years ago did I get done this year? And on and on... your list will be different.

Then I sit down with this list and can make realistic goals for the coming year. I can say realistically that next year I'd like to read 24 books because this year I was able to read 22 and surely I can add two more books. I can realistically say that next year I'd like to speak at 15 societies because this year I spoke at 13 and if I just inquire a little more, I will surely be able to speak 3 more times. I only managed to put together one strip for the quilt I'm working on. I can probably get at least one done on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, then I can plan to get four strips done in the next year. I have plenty to do and no time to sit around and whine over spilt milk. What's done is done. What's in the past is over and there's no getting it back, there's no changing what goals I didn't accomplish, and there's no since in beating myself up over it. Just take an inventory of what you've done and try to add a little more... this is the idea of the Compound Effect I wrote about early in this blog. I know in the past I've been disappointed because I have made wild, completely unrealistic goals for myself. Using my "year-end inventory" I can see what is actually realistic and go from there.

So, even though that fat jolly man isn't going to bring me a unicorn, I have a whole new year in front of me to plan, list, organize and create. I invite you to give yourself a true gift this year and try this little twist on New Year's Resolutions. Pull out your 2011 calendar and start tallying and add just a little bit more for next year. See how it works for you. I find it to be a whole lot less stressful and way more realistic. Happy Holidays and especially Happy New Year!

Coffee is Comfort

Coffee. Need I say more? It's warm, delicious, comforting somehow. This is my comfort food. It used to be mashed potatoes, when my grandma used to make them and I lived close enough to eat them in her kitchen. Some people like mac-n-cheese, others go for birthday cake or ice cream.  Since winter arrived, I have been craving coffee like mad! I know in the beginning I said I would give it up for a year, but I have failed. I don't feel too bad about it mainly because I have kept pretty steady with all of the other diet and lifestyle changes I said I'd do for a year. But coffee has kicked my butt.

There's something strong about comfort food and emotional eating. We all do it to some degree. We snack when we aren't hungry because we are bored. Feeling sad? We often reach for a carton of ice cream and watch a sappy romantic comedy. Anxious? I find myself turning to something crunchy which seems to satisfy the antsyness. Anytime we are feeling empty or lonely, having a full belly calms that feeling down and fills us up, at least temporarily. "Although there are a number of triggers that can lead to emotional eating, at the root of most cases is a desire to avoid or dull negative emotions, such as guilt, anxiety, or sadness." (Psychology Today "Emotional Eating Test")

On the flip side, I have found for myself that I tend to not eat enough when I am experiencing what I would call an "acute stress event" meaning something that's happening right now causing a lot of emotional pain. For example, when our daughter was a baby, she had to be hospitalized several times due to dehydration from excess vomiting. Watching your 10-month-old daughter have an IV inserted into her head (they are less likely to notice them there) is an "acute stress event" and the whole time I stayed in the hospital with her, I did not feel like eating. Also, if feelings of being "down" or depressed lasts long enough for me, I can also not eat enough, which will sabotage any weight loss attempts.

So, how to curb emotional eating? I found this quick and to-the-point article on the topic. Basically, exercise, taking a bath, some sort of breathing exercise or yoga, being social with a friend, playing a game, journal, clean the house, or my favorite, organize the closets and drawers. I also try to watch comedies, like short sitcoms such as The Office, 30 Rock or Friends, something that will really make me laugh. As some wise person said "laughter is the best medicine" and I might argue that a little coffee never hurt either!

Negative Space

There is a technique in art called "negative space" meaning basically, by drawing the space around the objects, you end up drawing the objects. The objects are created by the space around them and not by the objects themselves. This is a simple yet thought provoking technique. Are we made of ourselves, the "positive space" or by that which surrounds us, the "negative space?"

I know it has been a while since I have written a post. I have had a rough couple of months and I learned early on as a kid "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all." I have been under the impression that if I don't have anything positive to report then I shouldn't write. But that's not realistic, that's not the way life goes. Sometimes you make the most carefully laid and seemingly solid plans and then life throws you a curve ball.

I quit my job in October, my last day was November 11. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I loved my job. I loved the work, the people, the opportunities and the philosophy. Sometimes it becomes obvious, however, when it is time to let something go for the betterment of everyone involved. When the cons outweigh the pros, when you go home every night exhausted, when you no longer feel like you are adding to the growth of the business and instead feel like you are limiting it, then it's time to go.

It has been three weeks since I left. First, I spent many hours lying in bed grieving, wondering where I went wrong. Then I spent many hours watching The Office because it made me laugh until I got to the episode where Michael called Pam (after she quit to go back to art school) just because he missed her. Then I spent many hours reading, among other things finishing Deepak Chopra's Buddha which ends with letting go and becoming detached from everyone and everything. I have also spent some time making plans for the new chapter in my life. I have applied to grad school and while I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted, I am taking some classes at the local community college. I was also offered another job doing very similar work. I start all of this, very appropriately, in January, right after the New Year.

And even while all of this chaos has been going on in my head, I have managed to stay above water with my training and diet, which has been modified from the original Paleo diet at the request of my trainer. Unfortunately I have not made much measurable progress in terms of weight loss, fat loss and muscle gain. I began working out with my trainer in September. I work out five to six days per week, three of those include a personal training session. And still, not much progress. Rather discouraging. But I know that the key to succeeding is keeping it up, putting one sneakered foot in front of the other every day.

Last week I had another assessment and we discussed my diet more specifically. She gave me very specific guidelines to meet daily in regards to fat and carb limits, protein minimums and a target caloric intake. It turned out while what I was eating was "ok" it wasn't in the right proportions or times of day. I began using an app on my iPhone called "Lose It" which allows me to enter into a log what I am eating and then it calculates my calories, fat, carbs and protein. Then I can see exactly how much I've had. Usually I don't have enough calories or proteins. I usually find it quite difficult to get enough but the app is helping me. The first week I used it and got the proportions right, I lost 3 pounds. We will see if that trend persists. Keeping up with the exercise has also helped my mood, believe it or not.

All in all, I am honestly doing fine, much better actually. I am excited about where life is taking me. I have many new opportunities on the horizon and I have had plenty of time to process, contemplate, feel, work on issues within myself and get some things done around my house that I hadn't had time to do. I'm also traveling a bit, seeing friends and taking some time for myself. So, this new life is taking shape and I'm beginning to see the picture within.

Squats Are My Favorite

I've begun the next step in my life changing journey. I've been working with a personal trainer for about a week and a half. If you've never worked out with a trainer before I recommend you try it. It's working for me. She's great, a cute little fit brunette with a fun personality, looks great in work out pants and has a wonderful smile. (Exactly the type of girl I liked to hate in high school so this is a point of growth for me.) She is an awesome trainer, very encouraging and supportive. She's meeting me at the gym at 6am which is about the only time I can fit it into my schedule.

It is great to have an appointment to keep with someone else. I've tried exercising with a friend from time to time but they never seemed to be able to keep up the schedule for very long. So, if I have to pay someone to keep an appointment with me so be it. But with paying I get the added benefit of learning how to exercise properly plus she monitors all those fun things like my weight, resting and peak heart rates and body fat percentage. (I didn't really want to know where I'm at right now but she told me anyway. It's not pretty.)

It's not like I've never exercised. I do things like hike, snowshoe, ride my bike, yoga, etc. but they always get boring and lonely after a while and I find it difficult to keep them up. Plus, I was just not mentally ready to make the commitment to exercise regularly for a long period of time (like my lifetime). Now I'm ready, I'm doing it. Plus I laid down a chunk of change to keep me going for four months which I predict I'll keep doing. (Time to rework that budget.)

This first week of exercising has been an interesting experience. When you hike, you notice your legs getting tired. When you garden, you notice your back and arms getting tired. Working out with a trainer I notice everything getting tired. It has really opened up my body awareness. I can feel that 6-pack buried deep under the layers my midsection. Traps, quads, hamstrings, deltoids, and many others that I am not even going to try to name (I'll leave that up to the professionals). Who knew I had those muscles? Who knew they worked, could be sore, could feel good being sore.

I have spent a large portion of my life being relatively sedentary. Not to place blame, but I can see how that can be a learned behavior. When I think back over my childhood, no one exercised for the sake of exercising. No one really did anything physical except for work, working at the nursing home, working at the hardware store, working at the farm, working in the kitchen. If there was no work, we were usually sitting around watching TV or playing cards. As society changed and I don't have to work a farm, I just continued sitting on a daily basis with a few incidents of activity thrown in. I learned to sit. I learned to conserve energy even when I didn't need to be.

Feeling my body work and do things and be strong (stronger than I thought it was) and do exercises and hear "you can do it, Cari" or "only one more" or "that seemed easy, let's increase your weight next time" has been an amazing and eye-opening experience. My trainer asked me this morning what my favorite exercise was so far. The question caught me off guard. I didn't have an answer quickly. I thought about it for several minutes first wondering why I couldn't pinpoint one exercise that I like more than the others and second just feeling my body and trying to feel which muscles were happiest to be moving and working. Then the answer came to me.

"All of them," I said. "I have really enjoyed getting to feel my body work, getting to feel actual individual muscles move. Having spent most of my life sitting and never really having the opportunity to exercise properly, it is just amazing to experience all of the exercises and be doing something with my body."

"Ah, squats," she said. "Squats are your favorite."

Drive Your Bus

I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that this journey is hard. I've run into a few road bumps along the way and I'm working on how to get through them, learn from them, be stronger and get past them. For the last month or so I have been experiencing extremely low energy. None of my usual methods for getting my energy back has helped this time. Not the diet, the chiropractic, the NET, the hypnotherapy nor the various herbs and supplements that usually help.

I was explaining this to my acupuncturist the other day when he asked me about my energy levels. He asked me if I had been doing anything in the way of exercise for myself. With all of the honesty and shame I could muster, I said no. I had been doing activities that required me to move, such as various types of housework, back-to-school shopping, walking along the 16th Street Mall in Denver, but nothing especially dedicated to me for the sole purpose of being active, in my body. "Are you driving your bus or just riding in it? I think you don't believe you are in control and you're just along for the ride." I thought about that for a minute and I had to agree with him. Then he said "If you could drive your own bus, what would it look like? What would it take for you to drive your own bus?"

To be honest, I would change several things if I thought I could, if I knew no one would be offended, think less of me, think I'm not as dedicated or just love me less in general. But the truth is, when you try to change, the rest of the world doesn't necessarily like it. I know I don't really like too much change. I find it unsettling and unstable. And the times I've experienced growth in myself, I've also experienced the loss of friends or family members. So, even in myself I find it difficult to be ok with change. I was trained at an early age to not make waves, to smooth things over if someone's upset, to be quiet (kids weren't allowed to have opinions and we were to be seen and not heard), to otherwise exit the situation when someone got angry for whatever reason. So, if I want to change something in myself, I do it smally, quietly and with the least amount of disturbance to anyone else, or not at all. Well, that's not helping me.

Back to the topic, what would I do differently if I were driving my own bus? I would feel like I had time for myself first. The thing that I find lacking in me right now is the belief that I can take time for myself to exercise, and maybe more precisely, that I deserve to exercise and feel and look better. I'm pretty sure that I don't believe I deserve it or maybe even have the ability to do it because... well... I don't do it. Most of the time, when something is a priority or you believe you can do it, you just do it. This has deeper psycho-emotional roots than I'll go into here but the point is, how to get past the feeling of not deserving to take care of myself? The other hang up with finding time for myself is that there are 24 hours in a day. If I want to add something, I have to take away from something else. If I take away from something else, who or what would that be? And how does it affect those people? And what will they think of me if I can't give them as much attention as I used to? All fears that are possibly not based on truth, just my fears, my past, my childhood training stopping me. And even if they are based on truth, what's to say it isn't for the better anyway?

A few things I am working on changing:

My working hours - I'd like to have a little more time for myself to get some more education for myself, to help me achieve some of my personal goals. I have signed up for a pretty intensive online genealogy certificate class that starts in January. I'd also then like to pursue a Master's Degree next fall. This will require a real shift in me. I have to lose my fears about losing my job which I love (because I won't be giving it as much attention as I have been, see comments above), about letting someone else do the job that I've basically created from scratch and been doing for almost 4 years now. (What if they are better at it than I am? What if they are more chipper, energetic, organized, better at math, have all the right answers when the doctor asks, what if he just likes her better? And seriously, if someone is better at the job, it would be stupid for the doctor to not keep her and let me go. Read anything about hiring/firing and they will tell you so.) I have those fears and they are paralyzing.

My exercise habits - I'm honestly pretty clueless about how to exercise. I mean I get that you just move basically, walk, jog, yoga, elliptical, etc. But specific exercises that will target some problem areas that need strengthening? Weight training to build lean muscle? Working out at an appropriate level? I have no idea how to do some of that without hurting myself. Also, how to plan and achieve exercise goals? What is an appropriate exercise goal? What is reasonable to expect from someone of my level? So I'm going to get a personal trainer soon to help me with that. I have to work past the fears of looking ridiculous in exercise clothes, looking uncoordinated doing exercises that I'm not familiar with, fear of bing made fun of by other gym-goers, fear of admitting how poorly my physical level is to a trainer, of how I've "let myself go," fear of being "in" my body which I have spent so many years avoiding because of some of my past experiences. I will have to work past that nagging little voice that is constantly whispering in the back of my mind: "You can't do that, you don't deserve it, what's the point, it's not going to work anyway, you might as well sit in your chair, watch a show on TV and eat a doughnut, that would feel a lot better than this. This is hard and painful. This is making you tired. Don't do this."

Ok, so two major shifts I need to work on. I'm not getting any younger and I'd really like to break past these fears. I guess if I don't have my job anymore because someone is doing it better my attitude should be one of "thank God that Dr. John has someone taking even better care of him and his practice" and if I look silly at the gym, I should look around and see that everyone else looks silly too, silly is subjective and if I'm meeting my goals, who cares what I look like. Both of those things are easier to write than to actually believe in my heart but I'm working on it! That might just be the driving test for me to get my bus driver's license.

Like an Onion

Donkey said it best "not everyone likes onions ... but everyone likes parfait."

It is my understanding and becoming my experience that every thing has layers whether it's onions, parfait or healing. I've been eating basically the Paleo Diet for almost 3 months now. I've lost about 20 lbs. I'd like to lose 40-50 more to get to my "ideal" weight, at least according to various height and weight charts online. I've experienced a marked improvement in my brain function, meaning I've had clearer thoughts, slightly improved in math or left brain operations which has always been a challenge for me.

I'm definitely seeing that I need to change more things in my life. There are areas that need to grow and improve and change and remodel. For one thing, I can't really get to my ideal weight by changing my eating alone. Serious and consistent exercise needs to be added to my regime. And my current hang-up about that is 2-fold. I don't think I have time and I don't think I can do it. Both are excuses and both are hanging me up. Everyone has the same 24-hours in their day and other people manage to get to the gym or go for a run or whatever it is that people do for exercise, that I'm not doing.

So it really is a matter of priorities. It comes down to making that decision and just doing it. The same as I did in the beginning of this journey with the food. Is losing weight and getting into shape a priority for me? I think it is or I wouldn't have started this thing in the first place and if it is, then I need to start acting like it!

Dr. Charlie Ward says if you want to accomplish a goal, make them easy and attainable. So start out slow. So I'm going to say this week, I'm going to do one work out that cause me to sweat. Just one. Next week, I'll go for two and so on. If you make goals hard you'll never attain and you'll never get that sense of accomplishment and that "I really can do this" boost.

Then, once I get that layer unwrapped, we will see what comes up next. Will it be stinky like an onion or tasty like parfait?