The Doubters

Sometimes, when you want to make a change, you will run into opposition from those in your world. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. will sometimes "poo poo" your desire to do something seemingly radical for yourself. I have decided to cut out certain foods from my diet for one year to see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to coming out the other end feeling and looking great. But there are doubters. People either seem to think I won't be able to do it for an entire year or they don't understand why I'm doing it and are down on the idea.

I'm on day 12. I ate at a hamburger place with Dr. John today. Hamburgers, good ones, not fast food crap, with all the fixins like mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, onions, and a steaming pile of fries are one of my favorite meals. A milkshake is just a bonus, not a necessary part of the meal but who doesn't like a milkshake? I did ok. I did feel a pang of sadness that I couldn't join him in his enjoyment of the fries, the milkshake, the bun, the condiments. Just a burger patty, lettuce, onions and water for me please. But the burger wrapped in lettuce with an onion on top tasted good. I tried to concentrate on enjoying his friendship rather than on what I couldn't eat at that moment in time.

I need to focus on what I have, not what I don't have. This is apparent in other aspects of my life but this diet is bringing it to the forefront of my awareness. I also need to keep in mind why I'm doing this. What my goals are. And to remember that reaching my goals is not an instant gratification situation. It took me years of eating crappy to put on the weight and develop the depression, the lethargy, the warning signs of diabetes. It's going to take some time to rectify the situation.

Since posting my first blog entry (which originated on my facebook page) I received a very encouraging message from a friend. I knew this guy in college sort of. He was the friend of a friend so we hung out occasionally, usually completely unplanned. And what I knew of him was that he wrote poetry, wore flannel (Kurt Cobain style), he smoked and drank. He was kind of dark. He is the last person I would have expected to respond to my declaration of my radical diet change. But that just proves to me that impressions are just that, impressions, and what's underneath is usually a lot deeper and more real.

He gave me permission to quote some of his letter here. His story is amazing!

• hey!
  I know it's been ages since we've talked. You probably know very little about me since my Laramie days.
  
  I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis in 2009. I had a splenectomy, I was put on high dosages of Prednisone, Methotrexate, and because of those, lots of other drugs to counteract the side effects from them.
  
  The Prednisone caused me insatiable hunger cravings. I went from 190 to 260lbs in 3 months. Prednisone increases your chances of developing diabetes, it gives you hypertension, edema, and to top it all off, it gave me this uncontrollable rage. Then they took me off the Prednisone. And they did it very quickly. It sent me into a huge depression, and proved to be the last straw for my marriage.
  
  They wanted me to continue taking methotrexate, which is a horrible drug. It would have killed my liver and required a transplant within a few years.
  
  But I just stopped taking all of it.
  
  And I did an elimination diet. I did 1 month of nothing but lettuce and radishes and water.
  
  It was hell.
  
  BUT! I completely normalized. My sarcoids went away, I started losing weight, (I started working out too). I stopped drinking soda. At the end of the month I was going to reintroduce the main food groups. This was to determine what food allergies I had. When I was a kid I knew I was allergic to wheat, but I thought I grew out of it as an adult.
  
  It turns out that I was still horribly allergic to it, but my body was internalizing the reaction. Within hours of introducing wheat back into my diet, I broke out in hives and got pretty ill.
  
  So I gave myself a week on the lettuce and radishes, and then tried corn. I was fine. Milk, good. Rice, great.
  
  Now, on top of all of these things, I had tremendous back pain as well. Mine was in my upper back. I had seen chiropractors as well, and nothing offered relief. After the diet, the back pain was gone.
  
  So...I've cut out wheat from my diet. ALMOST completely. It's so hard to NOT have it sometimes, since it's in everything. I don't kill myself. I enjoy my foods. I've discovered NEW foods that are amazingly delicious, and leave you feeling great. It's amazing how much I used to crave a burger or something shitty. Now I crave spinach and beans and rice and sushi. I crave good foods, and when I eat them, I feel good.
  
  I am down to 175lbs. I still have a lot of fat around my midsection from the Prednisone side effects. But I work out everyday. And I started small.
  
  Start small. Don't do anything drastic. It wont work. It's like a new hobby. You have to learn it. You have to practice at it...
  
  I just went through a really hard time, but I came out with a better view on life.
  
  I turned 36 in March. Days before my birthday I went surfing for the first time in my life. I fit into a very snug wet suit and wasn't self conscious and I could actually...well, aside from sucking at surfing, keep up with the 20 year olds...
  
  If you need support. Let me know. I know how vital it is. I know we don't really know each other, but that doesn't matter.
  
  If I can be of any encouragement, I would be honored to offer my help.
  
  -Kelly

I was honored that he shared his story with me and baffled, honestly. It was not at all what I expected! Completely opposite of the guy I remember from Laramie! That's so awesome! I was sorry to hear he had to go through such hard times to come to the decision to clean up his diet. I am thankfully not going through a life or death situation. I'm just seeing so many people in my world, my family, who's health is just going to hell because of their lifestyle choices. My father had lung cancer, my aunt just got diagnosed with breast cancer and my cousin, only a few years old than I, may have just suffered a heart attack. We are waiting to hear.

One of the BIG reasons I'm doing this is to not be a victim of my body anymore. My thinking has always been that it's someone or something else's fault that I'm like this–that I eat like this, that I look like this. It is MY responsibility what I put into my body. No one forced me to eat all of those cheeseburgers, fries, pizzas, sodas, glutenous treats. It was all me. And I'm responsible.

I'm responsible.

I want to be healthy when my kids have kids, I want to hike up Long's Peak and make it to the top, I want to travel to all of the continents, I want to look good in a pair of shorts, or my arch-nemesis, the bathing suit. I want the self-confidence that comes not just from looking great (because that's only a side benefit of my goal) but from feeling great, from accomplishing an amazing goal. I can't do any of those things if I'm sick or too overweight to walk.

So, to the doubters I say "I don't care what you think. I'm going to do it, I'm going to make it!" And I am.

Birthday Cake

Cravings are funny things... I spent the entire day unable to think about just about anything besides birthday cake. I visited an elderly patient/friend at her 90th Birthday celebration over the weekend. I arrived in the middle right after they had served the cake. I could smell it when I walked in the door. I tried to avoid eye contact with the cake. I knew if I looked at it my will would leave my body and I'd be at the will of that fine, moist, chocolatey goodness. So I looked only at Ruth and the floor, anywhere else and that cake would have gotten the best of me!

Ever since then, I have an overwhelming desire to eat birthday cake! I even had a dream about it last night. This is bad. Trying to convince myself not to eat one of my most favorite treats is HARD! To say the least. It is like a magnet pulling me toward exactly what I don't want which is gluten, added pounds, sluggish metabolism, afternoon fatigue ... depression.

I spent most of the day living in, allowing myself to feel, an overwhelming sadness. I can't decide if it had anything to do with the weather (it was cold and rainy here again) or if it is related to my dietary choices and the fact that I probably won't eat birthday cake again, at least not like I used to, with gluten and those beautiful frosting flowers. I mean that's just sad. But I didn't dwell on why I felt so sad, I just let it be, because it always passes. Tomorrow is another day, one that is likely better than today. Dr. John said to me today (something he heard somewhere) that your past is dead, it's over, and there's no getting it back, and why would you want to? Each day you live is better than the one before. Everyday you grow, change, and get one day closer to God.

So I don't know if birthday cake is completely in my past and dead, but it was three days ago I was in the same room as a cake and didn't have a piece! But the delicious aroma is still lingering in my nostrils. And the best thing is? I didn't eat a piece. Not one crumb, not one lick of frosting! Amazing. Cake is like crack. Maybe I need a 12-step program...

Day 6 - Feeling Great!

So, I started out as all detoxification diets go: sluggish, flu-like symptoms, blood sugar imbalance, headache, shakes, exhausted, cranky. It was like withdrawing from drugs. And I guess that's an accurate description. I was addicted, addicted to gluten, sugar, coffee ... convenience.

I made it through the withdrawal symptoms more quickly than I have in the past when undergoing a detoxification diet. Usually it has taken about four days. This time only two and I don't know if that is because I did a detox in January or because I'm taking Repairvite right now. (Repairvite is a product from Apex Energetics that is meant to help heal the gut lining while on a strict diet.) By Friday I was feeling GREAT! My energy is up, I don't feel sluggish trying to get up in the morning, my mood is better and I've lost 7 lbs!

I would have to say that the hardest part is changing my habits. It is a habit to stop by the coffee shop in the morning or during the day if I'm going to take a drive somewhere. It is a habit to not prepare my meals ahead of time and thus finding myself hungry and away from home and falling into the fast food trap. It is a habit to feel crappy and sleep until the last possible minute in the morning thereby not getting up to exercise or read an uplifting book. It is a habit that when I'm alone, often depressed, I reach for a sugary food item to make myself feel better in the moment when all that does is add calories and inches and more sluggishness.

The second hardest part is shutting up that voice in my head that keeps saying "Just one cup of coffee isn't going to hurt anything... Just one small cookie, that's not going to set you back... You'll never be able to do this for a whole year, you might as well give up now and save yourself some time. Why deny yourself these things that make you feel good?" That voice is tricky sometimes! I have found myself listening it it unconsciously, very nearly buying a coffee or a brownie before I realized what I was doing! It's scary how unconscious we become... We live on autopilot and don't put a lot of thought into our actions.

I'm still reading Darren Hardy's The Compound Effect which is a great manual for getting a hold of your life again. I just read the section on "bookends" for your day. You may not be able to control what goes on in the middle of your day, taking your kids to school, traffic, interactions at work, the line at the grocery store, but you can control the beginning and end of your day through having a routine. This is the next part of my journey, setting up a good morning and night routine.

I've been waking up at 5am all on my own the last few days. My plan with that time is to change my habit of laying in bed to getting up and exercising and/or reading a good book. I also tend to watch a TV show before bed and before I know it, it's 10:30 or 11:00. I'd like to change that bookend to be one of journaling, blogging and reading. Just getting control over my "bookends" and doing what I want and what is good for me will be so powerful.

I'm doing great so far and I'm so excited about where I will be in 359 days!

My 1-year plan

I'm doing something radical. It's time to change my life. I've suffered from chronic low back pain, depression, being overweight, and it's time I took back my life. I'm tired of feeling broken, unable, victimized, left out, unhappy, dissatisfied and sad.

I work with an amazing doctor, Dr. John Wendt, who has been teaching me, either by teaching me when we have a few minutes in the office, or through sharing his patients' successes with me, or by being a role model, about health. Most specifically about how we can take care of our health ourselves, take responsibility for how we are or where we are physically.

Over the past 3 1/2 years that I've worked with Dr. John, I have done several detoxification diets. This in and of itself is an amazing thing to me when I look back at who I was 5 years ago. I would never have thought that I would be able to or even want to control what I eat for a certain amount of time in order to see a positive change in my health. I just didn't know it was possible. I felt a victim to my genetics, to my own body, to the media, to being too busy, whatever, and I didn't look at ME as the reason.

If you've never done a detoxification diet, depending on the specific diet, you cut out certain foods and eat only good, healthy food, mainly meat, vegetables and fruits and you do this for 21 days. There are several different diets that I've done each involving their own supplements or shakes. But it didn't matter which one, the challenge has always been the same. I have terrible food cravings. TERRIBLE. Honestly, it's a voice in my head convincing me that just one coffee, chocolate, fast food hamburger and fries, Dr. Pepper, etc. will be ok. I understand the health benefits of these diets but the over arching benefit has been being able to control the cravings, control the voice. And honestly, I haven't always been "perfect" on these diets. The voice convinces me that just one bite is ok. (Well before you know it, you've eaten an entire slice of pizza, or had several potato chips instead of that "just one" you originally intended.

I've been reading Darren Hardy's "The Compound Effect" which is an awesome book. He says that in order to change, to get the Compound Effect you should test yourself and see if you own your habits or if they own you. He challenges his readers to quit a habit (coffee, Dr. Pepper, TV, etc) for 30 days, just to make sure you can do it. I think if you can't it's as strong as any drug addiction. I was really affected by the idea of my habits owning me... and I think this is where I have been living for the past 5, 10, 15 years?

So, last night, Dr. John and I were sitting in a seminar put on by Apex Energetics. Dr. Steadman was speaking about how the integrity of the gut affects the brain. This company has a new product and diet out called Repairvite which basically helps your body heal the gut lining and in turn many brain-based problems clear up. I had decided several weeks ago to go on this diet for two reasons, it would be "good" for me and I like undergoing the diets and other therapies that Dr. John gives his patients so I know what they are going through and I can answer their questions effectively when they call the office. Dr. Steadman is describing how really badly some people's health is and how awesome this diet is and how it can really help them. I said to Dr. John "so why would you not just keep eating this way if it is so beneficial? ... I'm going to eat this way for a long time." Now, I don't know which one of us suggested a year, but I said yes and we shook on it!

A year without eating gluten, coffee, alcohol, chocolate?!? What was I thinking? Actually I feel quite sound in my decision and I'm posting it here to have some accountability. I plan on writing about it from time to time to keep you updated or to keep myself motivated... either way.

So my biggest challenge right now is not giving in to that voice that's trying to convince me that one sip of coffee won't hurt! BUT... I have managed to go to the coffee shop twice and order herbal tea! And this was while no one was around, no one would have known if I'd have had one small cup of coffee! Hooray for me!