Squats Are My Favorite

I've begun the next step in my life changing journey. I've been working with a personal trainer for about a week and a half. If you've never worked out with a trainer before I recommend you try it. It's working for me. She's great, a cute little fit brunette with a fun personality, looks great in work out pants and has a wonderful smile. (Exactly the type of girl I liked to hate in high school so this is a point of growth for me.) She is an awesome trainer, very encouraging and supportive. She's meeting me at the gym at 6am which is about the only time I can fit it into my schedule.

It is great to have an appointment to keep with someone else. I've tried exercising with a friend from time to time but they never seemed to be able to keep up the schedule for very long. So, if I have to pay someone to keep an appointment with me so be it. But with paying I get the added benefit of learning how to exercise properly plus she monitors all those fun things like my weight, resting and peak heart rates and body fat percentage. (I didn't really want to know where I'm at right now but she told me anyway. It's not pretty.)

It's not like I've never exercised. I do things like hike, snowshoe, ride my bike, yoga, etc. but they always get boring and lonely after a while and I find it difficult to keep them up. Plus, I was just not mentally ready to make the commitment to exercise regularly for a long period of time (like my lifetime). Now I'm ready, I'm doing it. Plus I laid down a chunk of change to keep me going for four months which I predict I'll keep doing. (Time to rework that budget.)

This first week of exercising has been an interesting experience. When you hike, you notice your legs getting tired. When you garden, you notice your back and arms getting tired. Working out with a trainer I notice everything getting tired. It has really opened up my body awareness. I can feel that 6-pack buried deep under the layers my midsection. Traps, quads, hamstrings, deltoids, and many others that I am not even going to try to name (I'll leave that up to the professionals). Who knew I had those muscles? Who knew they worked, could be sore, could feel good being sore.

I have spent a large portion of my life being relatively sedentary. Not to place blame, but I can see how that can be a learned behavior. When I think back over my childhood, no one exercised for the sake of exercising. No one really did anything physical except for work, working at the nursing home, working at the hardware store, working at the farm, working in the kitchen. If there was no work, we were usually sitting around watching TV or playing cards. As society changed and I don't have to work a farm, I just continued sitting on a daily basis with a few incidents of activity thrown in. I learned to sit. I learned to conserve energy even when I didn't need to be.

Feeling my body work and do things and be strong (stronger than I thought it was) and do exercises and hear "you can do it, Cari" or "only one more" or "that seemed easy, let's increase your weight next time" has been an amazing and eye-opening experience. My trainer asked me this morning what my favorite exercise was so far. The question caught me off guard. I didn't have an answer quickly. I thought about it for several minutes first wondering why I couldn't pinpoint one exercise that I like more than the others and second just feeling my body and trying to feel which muscles were happiest to be moving and working. Then the answer came to me.

"All of them," I said. "I have really enjoyed getting to feel my body work, getting to feel actual individual muscles move. Having spent most of my life sitting and never really having the opportunity to exercise properly, it is just amazing to experience all of the exercises and be doing something with my body."

"Ah, squats," she said. "Squats are your favorite."

Drive Your Bus

I wouldn't be being honest if I didn't tell you that this journey is hard. I've run into a few road bumps along the way and I'm working on how to get through them, learn from them, be stronger and get past them. For the last month or so I have been experiencing extremely low energy. None of my usual methods for getting my energy back has helped this time. Not the diet, the chiropractic, the NET, the hypnotherapy nor the various herbs and supplements that usually help.

I was explaining this to my acupuncturist the other day when he asked me about my energy levels. He asked me if I had been doing anything in the way of exercise for myself. With all of the honesty and shame I could muster, I said no. I had been doing activities that required me to move, such as various types of housework, back-to-school shopping, walking along the 16th Street Mall in Denver, but nothing especially dedicated to me for the sole purpose of being active, in my body. "Are you driving your bus or just riding in it? I think you don't believe you are in control and you're just along for the ride." I thought about that for a minute and I had to agree with him. Then he said "If you could drive your own bus, what would it look like? What would it take for you to drive your own bus?"

To be honest, I would change several things if I thought I could, if I knew no one would be offended, think less of me, think I'm not as dedicated or just love me less in general. But the truth is, when you try to change, the rest of the world doesn't necessarily like it. I know I don't really like too much change. I find it unsettling and unstable. And the times I've experienced growth in myself, I've also experienced the loss of friends or family members. So, even in myself I find it difficult to be ok with change. I was trained at an early age to not make waves, to smooth things over if someone's upset, to be quiet (kids weren't allowed to have opinions and we were to be seen and not heard), to otherwise exit the situation when someone got angry for whatever reason. So, if I want to change something in myself, I do it smally, quietly and with the least amount of disturbance to anyone else, or not at all. Well, that's not helping me.

Back to the topic, what would I do differently if I were driving my own bus? I would feel like I had time for myself first. The thing that I find lacking in me right now is the belief that I can take time for myself to exercise, and maybe more precisely, that I deserve to exercise and feel and look better. I'm pretty sure that I don't believe I deserve it or maybe even have the ability to do it because... well... I don't do it. Most of the time, when something is a priority or you believe you can do it, you just do it. This has deeper psycho-emotional roots than I'll go into here but the point is, how to get past the feeling of not deserving to take care of myself? The other hang up with finding time for myself is that there are 24 hours in a day. If I want to add something, I have to take away from something else. If I take away from something else, who or what would that be? And how does it affect those people? And what will they think of me if I can't give them as much attention as I used to? All fears that are possibly not based on truth, just my fears, my past, my childhood training stopping me. And even if they are based on truth, what's to say it isn't for the better anyway?

A few things I am working on changing:

My working hours - I'd like to have a little more time for myself to get some more education for myself, to help me achieve some of my personal goals. I have signed up for a pretty intensive online genealogy certificate class that starts in January. I'd also then like to pursue a Master's Degree next fall. This will require a real shift in me. I have to lose my fears about losing my job which I love (because I won't be giving it as much attention as I have been, see comments above), about letting someone else do the job that I've basically created from scratch and been doing for almost 4 years now. (What if they are better at it than I am? What if they are more chipper, energetic, organized, better at math, have all the right answers when the doctor asks, what if he just likes her better? And seriously, if someone is better at the job, it would be stupid for the doctor to not keep her and let me go. Read anything about hiring/firing and they will tell you so.) I have those fears and they are paralyzing.

My exercise habits - I'm honestly pretty clueless about how to exercise. I mean I get that you just move basically, walk, jog, yoga, elliptical, etc. But specific exercises that will target some problem areas that need strengthening? Weight training to build lean muscle? Working out at an appropriate level? I have no idea how to do some of that without hurting myself. Also, how to plan and achieve exercise goals? What is an appropriate exercise goal? What is reasonable to expect from someone of my level? So I'm going to get a personal trainer soon to help me with that. I have to work past the fears of looking ridiculous in exercise clothes, looking uncoordinated doing exercises that I'm not familiar with, fear of bing made fun of by other gym-goers, fear of admitting how poorly my physical level is to a trainer, of how I've "let myself go," fear of being "in" my body which I have spent so many years avoiding because of some of my past experiences. I will have to work past that nagging little voice that is constantly whispering in the back of my mind: "You can't do that, you don't deserve it, what's the point, it's not going to work anyway, you might as well sit in your chair, watch a show on TV and eat a doughnut, that would feel a lot better than this. This is hard and painful. This is making you tired. Don't do this."

Ok, so two major shifts I need to work on. I'm not getting any younger and I'd really like to break past these fears. I guess if I don't have my job anymore because someone is doing it better my attitude should be one of "thank God that Dr. John has someone taking even better care of him and his practice" and if I look silly at the gym, I should look around and see that everyone else looks silly too, silly is subjective and if I'm meeting my goals, who cares what I look like. Both of those things are easier to write than to actually believe in my heart but I'm working on it! That might just be the driving test for me to get my bus driver's license.

Like an Onion

Donkey said it best "not everyone likes onions ... but everyone likes parfait."

It is my understanding and becoming my experience that every thing has layers whether it's onions, parfait or healing. I've been eating basically the Paleo Diet for almost 3 months now. I've lost about 20 lbs. I'd like to lose 40-50 more to get to my "ideal" weight, at least according to various height and weight charts online. I've experienced a marked improvement in my brain function, meaning I've had clearer thoughts, slightly improved in math or left brain operations which has always been a challenge for me.

I'm definitely seeing that I need to change more things in my life. There are areas that need to grow and improve and change and remodel. For one thing, I can't really get to my ideal weight by changing my eating alone. Serious and consistent exercise needs to be added to my regime. And my current hang-up about that is 2-fold. I don't think I have time and I don't think I can do it. Both are excuses and both are hanging me up. Everyone has the same 24-hours in their day and other people manage to get to the gym or go for a run or whatever it is that people do for exercise, that I'm not doing.

So it really is a matter of priorities. It comes down to making that decision and just doing it. The same as I did in the beginning of this journey with the food. Is losing weight and getting into shape a priority for me? I think it is or I wouldn't have started this thing in the first place and if it is, then I need to start acting like it!

Dr. Charlie Ward says if you want to accomplish a goal, make them easy and attainable. So start out slow. So I'm going to say this week, I'm going to do one work out that cause me to sweat. Just one. Next week, I'll go for two and so on. If you make goals hard you'll never attain and you'll never get that sense of accomplishment and that "I really can do this" boost.

Then, once I get that layer unwrapped, we will see what comes up next. Will it be stinky like an onion or tasty like parfait?

The View from the Top

I recently hiked a "fourteener" or a 14,000+ foot mountain here in Colorado, Mount Sherman. That is apparently a pretty big achievement. Everyone I told about it said "WOW! That's awesome!" or "Congratulations!" or some other sentiment and it seems like I have done something bigger than I thought it was. I thought everyone who's outdoorsy in Colorado has hiked a fourteener. Apparently not. Many people have said to me that they haven't done it yet. So I felt even more excited with myself for having done it. I am still feeling the effects, my calves are killing me and I almost couldn't get myself up and down my stairs for a few days.

There were many moments in the climb where I doubted myself. Not so much physically, I knew that if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other, I would make it. It was more of a mental process. I was breathing hard, my legs were aching, I was getting sun burnt, and every time I looked up to see how far I'd gone it was like the trail had gotten longer and steeper. I asked myself on several occasions, "Why did I want to do this?" I found my inner dialog saying things like "No one will care or judge you if you stop now and go back down. It's ok. We don't need to make it to the very top, the view is great right here. I'm so slow and everyone is way ahead, if I turn back now, they will catch up to me." And etc.

I was reminded of Darren Hardy's book The Compound Effect where he talks with Lance Armstrong who said that it's not finding your walls that's important, it's what you do beyond the walls. He talked about mental walls in physical activity and how often, your biggest obstacle is yourself in a race. I kept that in mind every time I found myself doubting, wanting to turn back, convinced that the pain was not worth it. I kept saying "it's what I do beyond my wall ... it's what I do after I get to my wall that is important" and I was determined not to give up. I used a bit of anger to keep me going to. Anger that I have in the past always talked myself out of achieving goals because I thought I wasn't able to do them or didn't deserve to achieve. Anger and determination got me to the top.

So, I've learned can do pretty much anything I set my mind to, be the tortoise and put one foot in front of the other until you get there. I've changed my diet and now I've climbed a really tall mountain. The rest should be a cinch, right?

Betraying the Heartland

I am born from a long line of farmers. In my "spare" time I am also a genealogist and have researched most of my family lines back to when they came to America from some far off land. And most of them were farmers who happily pursued the life their fathers set before them–agriculture. My ancestors planted, tilled, harvested the food that today is now useless if not downright harmful to our bodies! They didn't know, they didn't do it on purpose, they did not set out to harm people. Actually, the seeds my ancestors started out with are not the same seeds we have today. Of all of the genetically modified foods (GMO) that are grown, wheat, corn and soy beans are probably the worst and they are in every kind of processed food. I hope you read your food labels. You will see ingredients derived from corn, soy and wheat.

My family and I just returned from a visit to my family that remains in Ohio where I grew up. My grandfather owned an 80 acre farm outside of Perrysburg, Ohio where he grew corn, soy beans and wheat until he became unable to farm any longer. As a child I would happily ride along in the tractor while he tilled, planted or harvested. They also had a very large garden on their farm where they grew fresh vegetables, some of the only fresh vegetables I ate as a kid since my parents moved me into the city and we only ate canned vegetables most of the time. My favorite thing to do was to take a salt shaker and head into the garden where I would eat fresh, juicy tomatoes right off the plant with a little salt!

My point is, times have changed. My grandparents ate a pretty good diet of food they grew on their farm. But as food got cheaper and easier to just buy at the store, we started buying food at the store. We bought all kinds of processed food. My grandma used to make her own egg noodles, now we can spend no time at all doing that and just buy them at the store. Grandma used to make her own ketchup! Now, a bottle is like $2.00 and you spent no time making it. The less time making the food the more time for other important things ... like going to work (to pay for the big fancy house or the car or the iPad2) or to party with your friends, or to travel to far away places. Whatever your situation is, I'm doing the exact same things. But to who's benefit? What are we gaining by not spending time doing these "old fashioned" activities? I'm not sure what we are gaining but I'll tell you that I see all around me that we are losing our health.

The way I think about what to eat is simple. How close to God is the food? I don't mean that to be a religious idea so much as how close to Nature is it? Is that the way it is found in nature? (A box of macaroni and cheese ... most definitely not.) Did God intend the food to be that way? (GMO food ... I don't think so.) If it wasn't alive a few seconds/weeks before you're eating it, you probably shouldn't be eating it. Things that have a long shelf life are full of additives and preservatives that are harmful to our bodies and contributing to our health problems. If we would go back to eating fresh, locally grown, non processed foods, I am certain that a lot of our health problems would go away.

So when I was back in Ohio last week, my family tried their best to accommodate our "weird" way of eating. But I want them to all know that that "weird" way could be changing their lives too! We used the fact that my husband and kids are gluten intolerant and can't eat gluten as our reasoning. They can't argue with a medical condition... but I felt a little bit like I was betraying my ancestors by being negative about their way of life, of the way they lived and survived that I might be here today, here today touting that grains are bad for us! Ironic I think. But I have already seen huge changes in myself and I am hoping it isn't too late for me to not develop cancer or diabetes or heart disease by changing now.

Clutter For Sale - CHEAP!

It has been a little while since I've written a post... I spent last week purging my stuff and getting it ready for a garage sale. We've lived in our house for 8 years now and the stuff really piles up! I was ready to get rid of a lot of stuff. I let go of things that I am not attached to anymore and some things that I thought I might be attached to but after thinking about it, was not as attached as I thought I was.

I really felt the need to get out from under a lot of "stuff" much like I felt the need to purge my body from a lot of "stuff" ... internal, physical clutter. We don't need to hang on to all of the stuff, all of the items we seem to think are going to make us feel better, going to fulfill us somehow when all that really happens is a short amount of distraction time with whatever new item you just bought and then it sits in the basement or the closet for the next eight years until you have a garage sale.

We think that buying, collecting, accumulating stuff is going to solve something. I know we are a consumer society, but did you ever think about why? I am sure there are a lot of theories out there about societal order and the reasons about why things are the way they are. However, in my own life, I am pretty sure it serves as a distraction from what I don't want to deal with or it serves to fulfill some perceived hole in my self. And by buying and collecting more and more stuff I think I can fill that hole. Basically, years later, thousands of dollars gone, and stuff up to my eyeballs I still perceive an inner hole and now I have a bunch of unwanted stuff and a credit card bill.

I was beginning to feel like I was on an episode of "Hoarders" ... After our garage sale was over, we still donated 5 giant bags of clothes, 6 boxes of books, and over flowed our giant trash can and recycling can! It feels great! It is amazing how much so much stuff can really bog you down. So, just like purging the physical, body clutter I have also cleared up a lot of the external "stuff" clutter.

I have had a lot of fear bout letting go of stuff. "If I don't have this stuff, then what is left?" And the fear is that what's left is not good for anything. That the stuff that's left is just ME and then the insecurities, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness (that probably all of us have, just some more than others) creep in and tell me that what's left is nothing. That I (ME) isn't good enough.

So I'm "sitting" with this right now, that there's a lot less left. Obviously I didn't get rid of EVERYTHING and join a monastery with a vow of poverty. I still have stuff, but I let go of a lot of stuff and everything seems a little bit more clear now.

Clearing out the Cobwebs

Cobwebs and dust, old boxes, trash, yellowed newspapers... this might sound like someone's attic but really it is what I feel like I used to be like inside before I undertook this journey. I'm just so much more clear in my head. Years of crap have been cleaned out of my brain, my mind, my soul.

I think it's interesting that we can generally put on a pretty good front, never really letting people know us. I think over the years I got pretty good at seeming happy, smiling, making jokes, being helpful. But the people who know you most or who are paying more attention can tell when you're not being true. Over the past year maybe, it got harder and harder for me to keep up the front, or maybe the people around me were just being more aware. In either case, this undertaking was bound to happen.

I've been on a path to try to heal some issues from my past. Spiritually speaking, it has become apparent to my that God has a purpose for me and all of the stuff that happened to me. I've been getting this message over and over and over again. When I hear the same message so many times, I start to think God must be telling me something. I've heard this from various trusted people in my life, Dr. John started it and it just keeps coming at me. Saturday night I attended Flatirons Church in Lafayette and the message followed along with lines of thought from several of my last blog posts. And then Jim said something to the effect of "Plenty of people have had the same things happen to them and they are no longer in the race. Why are you still here? God still has a purpose for your life."

So, by cleaning out the cobwebs, I have been able to hear God more clearly. I'm beginning to feel and understand and really get some of His promises and principles that I've struggled with for a long time. It is amazing me still everyday since I started this diet how far-reaching it has been and everyday I'm excited to see what new area is going to open up for me because I'm not bogged down by the crap.