Negative Space

There is a technique in art called "negative space" meaning basically, by drawing the space around the objects, you end up drawing the objects. The objects are created by the space around them and not by the objects themselves. This is a simple yet thought provoking technique. Are we made of ourselves, the "positive space" or by that which surrounds us, the "negative space?"

I know it has been a while since I have written a post. I have had a rough couple of months and I learned early on as a kid "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all." I have been under the impression that if I don't have anything positive to report then I shouldn't write. But that's not realistic, that's not the way life goes. Sometimes you make the most carefully laid and seemingly solid plans and then life throws you a curve ball.

I quit my job in October, my last day was November 11. It was one of the hardest things I've ever done in my life. I loved my job. I loved the work, the people, the opportunities and the philosophy. Sometimes it becomes obvious, however, when it is time to let something go for the betterment of everyone involved. When the cons outweigh the pros, when you go home every night exhausted, when you no longer feel like you are adding to the growth of the business and instead feel like you are limiting it, then it's time to go.

It has been three weeks since I left. First, I spent many hours lying in bed grieving, wondering where I went wrong. Then I spent many hours watching The Office because it made me laugh until I got to the episode where Michael called Pam (after she quit to go back to art school) just because he missed her. Then I spent many hours reading, among other things finishing Deepak Chopra's Buddha which ends with letting go and becoming detached from everyone and everything. I have also spent some time making plans for the new chapter in my life. I have applied to grad school and while I'm waiting to hear if I've been accepted, I am taking some classes at the local community college. I was also offered another job doing very similar work. I start all of this, very appropriately, in January, right after the New Year.

And even while all of this chaos has been going on in my head, I have managed to stay above water with my training and diet, which has been modified from the original Paleo diet at the request of my trainer. Unfortunately I have not made much measurable progress in terms of weight loss, fat loss and muscle gain. I began working out with my trainer in September. I work out five to six days per week, three of those include a personal training session. And still, not much progress. Rather discouraging. But I know that the key to succeeding is keeping it up, putting one sneakered foot in front of the other every day.

Last week I had another assessment and we discussed my diet more specifically. She gave me very specific guidelines to meet daily in regards to fat and carb limits, protein minimums and a target caloric intake. It turned out while what I was eating was "ok" it wasn't in the right proportions or times of day. I began using an app on my iPhone called "Lose It" which allows me to enter into a log what I am eating and then it calculates my calories, fat, carbs and protein. Then I can see exactly how much I've had. Usually I don't have enough calories or proteins. I usually find it quite difficult to get enough but the app is helping me. The first week I used it and got the proportions right, I lost 3 pounds. We will see if that trend persists. Keeping up with the exercise has also helped my mood, believe it or not.

All in all, I am honestly doing fine, much better actually. I am excited about where life is taking me. I have many new opportunities on the horizon and I have had plenty of time to process, contemplate, feel, work on issues within myself and get some things done around my house that I hadn't had time to do. I'm also traveling a bit, seeing friends and taking some time for myself. So, this new life is taking shape and I'm beginning to see the picture within.

Day 6 - Feeling Great!

So, I started out as all detoxification diets go: sluggish, flu-like symptoms, blood sugar imbalance, headache, shakes, exhausted, cranky. It was like withdrawing from drugs. And I guess that's an accurate description. I was addicted, addicted to gluten, sugar, coffee ... convenience.

I made it through the withdrawal symptoms more quickly than I have in the past when undergoing a detoxification diet. Usually it has taken about four days. This time only two and I don't know if that is because I did a detox in January or because I'm taking Repairvite right now. (Repairvite is a product from Apex Energetics that is meant to help heal the gut lining while on a strict diet.) By Friday I was feeling GREAT! My energy is up, I don't feel sluggish trying to get up in the morning, my mood is better and I've lost 7 lbs!

I would have to say that the hardest part is changing my habits. It is a habit to stop by the coffee shop in the morning or during the day if I'm going to take a drive somewhere. It is a habit to not prepare my meals ahead of time and thus finding myself hungry and away from home and falling into the fast food trap. It is a habit to feel crappy and sleep until the last possible minute in the morning thereby not getting up to exercise or read an uplifting book. It is a habit that when I'm alone, often depressed, I reach for a sugary food item to make myself feel better in the moment when all that does is add calories and inches and more sluggishness.

The second hardest part is shutting up that voice in my head that keeps saying "Just one cup of coffee isn't going to hurt anything... Just one small cookie, that's not going to set you back... You'll never be able to do this for a whole year, you might as well give up now and save yourself some time. Why deny yourself these things that make you feel good?" That voice is tricky sometimes! I have found myself listening it it unconsciously, very nearly buying a coffee or a brownie before I realized what I was doing! It's scary how unconscious we become... We live on autopilot and don't put a lot of thought into our actions.

I'm still reading Darren Hardy's The Compound Effect which is a great manual for getting a hold of your life again. I just read the section on "bookends" for your day. You may not be able to control what goes on in the middle of your day, taking your kids to school, traffic, interactions at work, the line at the grocery store, but you can control the beginning and end of your day through having a routine. This is the next part of my journey, setting up a good morning and night routine.

I've been waking up at 5am all on my own the last few days. My plan with that time is to change my habit of laying in bed to getting up and exercising and/or reading a good book. I also tend to watch a TV show before bed and before I know it, it's 10:30 or 11:00. I'd like to change that bookend to be one of journaling, blogging and reading. Just getting control over my "bookends" and doing what I want and what is good for me will be so powerful.

I'm doing great so far and I'm so excited about where I will be in 359 days!

My 1-year plan

I'm doing something radical. It's time to change my life. I've suffered from chronic low back pain, depression, being overweight, and it's time I took back my life. I'm tired of feeling broken, unable, victimized, left out, unhappy, dissatisfied and sad.

I work with an amazing doctor, Dr. John Wendt, who has been teaching me, either by teaching me when we have a few minutes in the office, or through sharing his patients' successes with me, or by being a role model, about health. Most specifically about how we can take care of our health ourselves, take responsibility for how we are or where we are physically.

Over the past 3 1/2 years that I've worked with Dr. John, I have done several detoxification diets. This in and of itself is an amazing thing to me when I look back at who I was 5 years ago. I would never have thought that I would be able to or even want to control what I eat for a certain amount of time in order to see a positive change in my health. I just didn't know it was possible. I felt a victim to my genetics, to my own body, to the media, to being too busy, whatever, and I didn't look at ME as the reason.

If you've never done a detoxification diet, depending on the specific diet, you cut out certain foods and eat only good, healthy food, mainly meat, vegetables and fruits and you do this for 21 days. There are several different diets that I've done each involving their own supplements or shakes. But it didn't matter which one, the challenge has always been the same. I have terrible food cravings. TERRIBLE. Honestly, it's a voice in my head convincing me that just one coffee, chocolate, fast food hamburger and fries, Dr. Pepper, etc. will be ok. I understand the health benefits of these diets but the over arching benefit has been being able to control the cravings, control the voice. And honestly, I haven't always been "perfect" on these diets. The voice convinces me that just one bite is ok. (Well before you know it, you've eaten an entire slice of pizza, or had several potato chips instead of that "just one" you originally intended.

I've been reading Darren Hardy's "The Compound Effect" which is an awesome book. He says that in order to change, to get the Compound Effect you should test yourself and see if you own your habits or if they own you. He challenges his readers to quit a habit (coffee, Dr. Pepper, TV, etc) for 30 days, just to make sure you can do it. I think if you can't it's as strong as any drug addiction. I was really affected by the idea of my habits owning me... and I think this is where I have been living for the past 5, 10, 15 years?

So, last night, Dr. John and I were sitting in a seminar put on by Apex Energetics. Dr. Steadman was speaking about how the integrity of the gut affects the brain. This company has a new product and diet out called Repairvite which basically helps your body heal the gut lining and in turn many brain-based problems clear up. I had decided several weeks ago to go on this diet for two reasons, it would be "good" for me and I like undergoing the diets and other therapies that Dr. John gives his patients so I know what they are going through and I can answer their questions effectively when they call the office. Dr. Steadman is describing how really badly some people's health is and how awesome this diet is and how it can really help them. I said to Dr. John "so why would you not just keep eating this way if it is so beneficial? ... I'm going to eat this way for a long time." Now, I don't know which one of us suggested a year, but I said yes and we shook on it!

A year without eating gluten, coffee, alcohol, chocolate?!? What was I thinking? Actually I feel quite sound in my decision and I'm posting it here to have some accountability. I plan on writing about it from time to time to keep you updated or to keep myself motivated... either way.

So my biggest challenge right now is not giving in to that voice that's trying to convince me that one sip of coffee won't hurt! BUT... I have managed to go to the coffee shop twice and order herbal tea! And this was while no one was around, no one would have known if I'd have had one small cup of coffee! Hooray for me!