Clutter For Sale - CHEAP!

It has been a little while since I've written a post... I spent last week purging my stuff and getting it ready for a garage sale. We've lived in our house for 8 years now and the stuff really piles up! I was ready to get rid of a lot of stuff. I let go of things that I am not attached to anymore and some things that I thought I might be attached to but after thinking about it, was not as attached as I thought I was.

I really felt the need to get out from under a lot of "stuff" much like I felt the need to purge my body from a lot of "stuff" ... internal, physical clutter. We don't need to hang on to all of the stuff, all of the items we seem to think are going to make us feel better, going to fulfill us somehow when all that really happens is a short amount of distraction time with whatever new item you just bought and then it sits in the basement or the closet for the next eight years until you have a garage sale.

We think that buying, collecting, accumulating stuff is going to solve something. I know we are a consumer society, but did you ever think about why? I am sure there are a lot of theories out there about societal order and the reasons about why things are the way they are. However, in my own life, I am pretty sure it serves as a distraction from what I don't want to deal with or it serves to fulfill some perceived hole in my self. And by buying and collecting more and more stuff I think I can fill that hole. Basically, years later, thousands of dollars gone, and stuff up to my eyeballs I still perceive an inner hole and now I have a bunch of unwanted stuff and a credit card bill.

I was beginning to feel like I was on an episode of "Hoarders" ... After our garage sale was over, we still donated 5 giant bags of clothes, 6 boxes of books, and over flowed our giant trash can and recycling can! It feels great! It is amazing how much so much stuff can really bog you down. So, just like purging the physical, body clutter I have also cleared up a lot of the external "stuff" clutter.

I have had a lot of fear bout letting go of stuff. "If I don't have this stuff, then what is left?" And the fear is that what's left is not good for anything. That the stuff that's left is just ME and then the insecurities, low self-esteem and feelings of worthlessness (that probably all of us have, just some more than others) creep in and tell me that what's left is nothing. That I (ME) isn't good enough.

So I'm "sitting" with this right now, that there's a lot less left. Obviously I didn't get rid of EVERYTHING and join a monastery with a vow of poverty. I still have stuff, but I let go of a lot of stuff and everything seems a little bit more clear now.

Clearing out the Cobwebs

Cobwebs and dust, old boxes, trash, yellowed newspapers... this might sound like someone's attic but really it is what I feel like I used to be like inside before I undertook this journey. I'm just so much more clear in my head. Years of crap have been cleaned out of my brain, my mind, my soul.

I think it's interesting that we can generally put on a pretty good front, never really letting people know us. I think over the years I got pretty good at seeming happy, smiling, making jokes, being helpful. But the people who know you most or who are paying more attention can tell when you're not being true. Over the past year maybe, it got harder and harder for me to keep up the front, or maybe the people around me were just being more aware. In either case, this undertaking was bound to happen.

I've been on a path to try to heal some issues from my past. Spiritually speaking, it has become apparent to my that God has a purpose for me and all of the stuff that happened to me. I've been getting this message over and over and over again. When I hear the same message so many times, I start to think God must be telling me something. I've heard this from various trusted people in my life, Dr. John started it and it just keeps coming at me. Saturday night I attended Flatirons Church in Lafayette and the message followed along with lines of thought from several of my last blog posts. And then Jim said something to the effect of "Plenty of people have had the same things happen to them and they are no longer in the race. Why are you still here? God still has a purpose for your life."

So, by cleaning out the cobwebs, I have been able to hear God more clearly. I'm beginning to feel and understand and really get some of His promises and principles that I've struggled with for a long time. It is amazing me still everyday since I started this diet how far-reaching it has been and everyday I'm excited to see what new area is going to open up for me because I'm not bogged down by the crap.

Be the Tortoise

You are going to run into challenges with whatever you are doing in your life. That's what life is about. I believe if there were no challenges, no curve balls, no seemingly bad situations that arise for you to overcome, that's when life is over. That's when God decides we're done here and he takes us home.

Sometimes, just a little bit of cake doesn't seem so bad. Sometimes that little voice starts talking to you, convincing you that "it's just one bite of cake. That's not going to hurt you." But I now see and am in control of knowing that "just one bite" turns into the whole darned thing and, as my friend Kelly put it "well, shit, I just already ate crappy, what else can I shove in my mouth?" And then before I know it, I've consistently eaten crappy for weeks on end.

Darren Hardy talks about your "walls" in his book The Compound Effect. The "walls" are those times when you have to decide if you're going to keep going or not. He says in the book that "it's not getting to the wall that counts; it's what you do after you hit it." He stated "Winning the race is all about pace. Be the tortoise. The person who, given enough time, will be virtually anybody in any competition as a result of positive habits and behaviors applied consistently."

I would describe myself as the tortoise. I can stick with situations even when they are tough, I have consistent routines (some would call that being in a rut), I persevere through situations or relationships, I stick things out. I am loyal beyond when it's even healthy for me to be loyal. So I have the ability to keep the pace for a long, consistent time.

However, I would have to say that over the past 38 years, the things I've been consistent with have not been serving me well. I have not been healthy, I have not been happy, I have not been energetic or excited about life, I have not been able to stand up for myself when I've needed to. I have been consistently eating poorly, drinking coffee, drinking alcohol, not exercising, etc. All of these things over time, have yielded depression, anxiety, weight gain, illness, and a general dissatisfaction with life.

Lance Armstrong wrote "there is a point in every race when a rider encounters his real opponent and understands that it's himself." I came to that point when I decided to "go all in" on this diet. I came to the understanding that I was the one holding ME back. I had to get OK with that, take the responsibility for it, and then work to overcome MYSELF. It's so true. They say "you are your own worst enemy." No one can control what you are thinking about, what you are are happy, sad or angry about. You have to decide what you are going to do, what you are going to have and what you are going to be.

"...you get in life what you tolerate... Put another way, you will get what you accept and expect you are worthy of." And my favorite way of saying the same idea: "If you always do what you've always done then you'll always get what you've always got." (I don't know who said that first but it sums it up pretty well!)

When things come together

For years, I have struggled with depression, mental fatigue, extremely low energy and just a general unhappiness or dissatisfaction with my life. Everyone has a traumatic childhood in one way or another. I won't bore you with details here, that's a story for another day. But I've struggled to make peace with the past and let go of some of that past hurt that just needs to heal.

For the past almost 4 years I've been working with Dr. John Wendt to try to heal many of these past traumas using Neuro-Emotional Technique (NET). We've also worked on my diet and balancing my blood sugar; he's done a lot of structural work on my spine; we've worked on goal-setting, positive thinking, etc. He's even gotten me seeing a hypnotherapist, Rachel Mullis Koenigsburg! Each new thing Dr. John has done has been one step closer to feeling like I'm getting better.

I've been eating mainly vegetables and meat for 3 weeks now. No coffee, alcohol, sugar, grains (with the exception of a little rice, and by little I mean I've maybe had about 1 cup of rice total in the last 3 weeks) or dairy. And I'm feeling great! No only physically but mentally and emotionally I'm much clearer. Decisions don't seem so difficult. I don't feel emotionally swept up in other people's drama. If someone treats me like a jerk, then they can go ahead. And if it really messes up my day, I've been able to say so lately. Things that happen that would normally upset me, don't seem to be big deals anymore. It feels like all of the crap that was storing up in my body and brain was weighing me down, clouding my mind and keeping me from feeling happiness.

It's like many pieces of a big puzzle are finally coming together and making a bigger picture that I can begin to understand. I was always on the right path with the work I've been doing with Dr. John. But I had to make the decision to go "all in" and really give the change in diet a chance. I feel like it is having such a positive affect on many areas of my health and I can't emphasize enough that you really "are what you eat." If you eat crap, you're going to feel like crap. If you eat food that's full of vitality, energy and nutrients, you will be full of energy and vitality!

Thinking of how all of these "roads" are coming together for me, I am reminded of this verse from the Bible:

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28

The Doubters

Sometimes, when you want to make a change, you will run into opposition from those in your world. Friends, family, coworkers, etc. will sometimes "poo poo" your desire to do something seemingly radical for yourself. I have decided to cut out certain foods from my diet for one year to see how it goes. I'm really looking forward to coming out the other end feeling and looking great. But there are doubters. People either seem to think I won't be able to do it for an entire year or they don't understand why I'm doing it and are down on the idea.

I'm on day 12. I ate at a hamburger place with Dr. John today. Hamburgers, good ones, not fast food crap, with all the fixins like mayonnaise, mustard, pickles, onions, and a steaming pile of fries are one of my favorite meals. A milkshake is just a bonus, not a necessary part of the meal but who doesn't like a milkshake? I did ok. I did feel a pang of sadness that I couldn't join him in his enjoyment of the fries, the milkshake, the bun, the condiments. Just a burger patty, lettuce, onions and water for me please. But the burger wrapped in lettuce with an onion on top tasted good. I tried to concentrate on enjoying his friendship rather than on what I couldn't eat at that moment in time.

I need to focus on what I have, not what I don't have. This is apparent in other aspects of my life but this diet is bringing it to the forefront of my awareness. I also need to keep in mind why I'm doing this. What my goals are. And to remember that reaching my goals is not an instant gratification situation. It took me years of eating crappy to put on the weight and develop the depression, the lethargy, the warning signs of diabetes. It's going to take some time to rectify the situation.

Since posting my first blog entry (which originated on my facebook page) I received a very encouraging message from a friend. I knew this guy in college sort of. He was the friend of a friend so we hung out occasionally, usually completely unplanned. And what I knew of him was that he wrote poetry, wore flannel (Kurt Cobain style), he smoked and drank. He was kind of dark. He is the last person I would have expected to respond to my declaration of my radical diet change. But that just proves to me that impressions are just that, impressions, and what's underneath is usually a lot deeper and more real.

He gave me permission to quote some of his letter here. His story is amazing!

• hey!
  I know it's been ages since we've talked. You probably know very little about me since my Laramie days.
  
  I was diagnosed with Sarcoidosis in 2009. I had a splenectomy, I was put on high dosages of Prednisone, Methotrexate, and because of those, lots of other drugs to counteract the side effects from them.
  
  The Prednisone caused me insatiable hunger cravings. I went from 190 to 260lbs in 3 months. Prednisone increases your chances of developing diabetes, it gives you hypertension, edema, and to top it all off, it gave me this uncontrollable rage. Then they took me off the Prednisone. And they did it very quickly. It sent me into a huge depression, and proved to be the last straw for my marriage.
  
  They wanted me to continue taking methotrexate, which is a horrible drug. It would have killed my liver and required a transplant within a few years.
  
  But I just stopped taking all of it.
  
  And I did an elimination diet. I did 1 month of nothing but lettuce and radishes and water.
  
  It was hell.
  
  BUT! I completely normalized. My sarcoids went away, I started losing weight, (I started working out too). I stopped drinking soda. At the end of the month I was going to reintroduce the main food groups. This was to determine what food allergies I had. When I was a kid I knew I was allergic to wheat, but I thought I grew out of it as an adult.
  
  It turns out that I was still horribly allergic to it, but my body was internalizing the reaction. Within hours of introducing wheat back into my diet, I broke out in hives and got pretty ill.
  
  So I gave myself a week on the lettuce and radishes, and then tried corn. I was fine. Milk, good. Rice, great.
  
  Now, on top of all of these things, I had tremendous back pain as well. Mine was in my upper back. I had seen chiropractors as well, and nothing offered relief. After the diet, the back pain was gone.
  
  So...I've cut out wheat from my diet. ALMOST completely. It's so hard to NOT have it sometimes, since it's in everything. I don't kill myself. I enjoy my foods. I've discovered NEW foods that are amazingly delicious, and leave you feeling great. It's amazing how much I used to crave a burger or something shitty. Now I crave spinach and beans and rice and sushi. I crave good foods, and when I eat them, I feel good.
  
  I am down to 175lbs. I still have a lot of fat around my midsection from the Prednisone side effects. But I work out everyday. And I started small.
  
  Start small. Don't do anything drastic. It wont work. It's like a new hobby. You have to learn it. You have to practice at it...
  
  I just went through a really hard time, but I came out with a better view on life.
  
  I turned 36 in March. Days before my birthday I went surfing for the first time in my life. I fit into a very snug wet suit and wasn't self conscious and I could actually...well, aside from sucking at surfing, keep up with the 20 year olds...
  
  If you need support. Let me know. I know how vital it is. I know we don't really know each other, but that doesn't matter.
  
  If I can be of any encouragement, I would be honored to offer my help.
  
  -Kelly

I was honored that he shared his story with me and baffled, honestly. It was not at all what I expected! Completely opposite of the guy I remember from Laramie! That's so awesome! I was sorry to hear he had to go through such hard times to come to the decision to clean up his diet. I am thankfully not going through a life or death situation. I'm just seeing so many people in my world, my family, who's health is just going to hell because of their lifestyle choices. My father had lung cancer, my aunt just got diagnosed with breast cancer and my cousin, only a few years old than I, may have just suffered a heart attack. We are waiting to hear.

One of the BIG reasons I'm doing this is to not be a victim of my body anymore. My thinking has always been that it's someone or something else's fault that I'm like this–that I eat like this, that I look like this. It is MY responsibility what I put into my body. No one forced me to eat all of those cheeseburgers, fries, pizzas, sodas, glutenous treats. It was all me. And I'm responsible.

I'm responsible.

I want to be healthy when my kids have kids, I want to hike up Long's Peak and make it to the top, I want to travel to all of the continents, I want to look good in a pair of shorts, or my arch-nemesis, the bathing suit. I want the self-confidence that comes not just from looking great (because that's only a side benefit of my goal) but from feeling great, from accomplishing an amazing goal. I can't do any of those things if I'm sick or too overweight to walk.

So, to the doubters I say "I don't care what you think. I'm going to do it, I'm going to make it!" And I am.

Birthday Cake

Cravings are funny things... I spent the entire day unable to think about just about anything besides birthday cake. I visited an elderly patient/friend at her 90th Birthday celebration over the weekend. I arrived in the middle right after they had served the cake. I could smell it when I walked in the door. I tried to avoid eye contact with the cake. I knew if I looked at it my will would leave my body and I'd be at the will of that fine, moist, chocolatey goodness. So I looked only at Ruth and the floor, anywhere else and that cake would have gotten the best of me!

Ever since then, I have an overwhelming desire to eat birthday cake! I even had a dream about it last night. This is bad. Trying to convince myself not to eat one of my most favorite treats is HARD! To say the least. It is like a magnet pulling me toward exactly what I don't want which is gluten, added pounds, sluggish metabolism, afternoon fatigue ... depression.

I spent most of the day living in, allowing myself to feel, an overwhelming sadness. I can't decide if it had anything to do with the weather (it was cold and rainy here again) or if it is related to my dietary choices and the fact that I probably won't eat birthday cake again, at least not like I used to, with gluten and those beautiful frosting flowers. I mean that's just sad. But I didn't dwell on why I felt so sad, I just let it be, because it always passes. Tomorrow is another day, one that is likely better than today. Dr. John said to me today (something he heard somewhere) that your past is dead, it's over, and there's no getting it back, and why would you want to? Each day you live is better than the one before. Everyday you grow, change, and get one day closer to God.

So I don't know if birthday cake is completely in my past and dead, but it was three days ago I was in the same room as a cake and didn't have a piece! But the delicious aroma is still lingering in my nostrils. And the best thing is? I didn't eat a piece. Not one crumb, not one lick of frosting! Amazing. Cake is like crack. Maybe I need a 12-step program...

Day 6 - Feeling Great!

So, I started out as all detoxification diets go: sluggish, flu-like symptoms, blood sugar imbalance, headache, shakes, exhausted, cranky. It was like withdrawing from drugs. And I guess that's an accurate description. I was addicted, addicted to gluten, sugar, coffee ... convenience.

I made it through the withdrawal symptoms more quickly than I have in the past when undergoing a detoxification diet. Usually it has taken about four days. This time only two and I don't know if that is because I did a detox in January or because I'm taking Repairvite right now. (Repairvite is a product from Apex Energetics that is meant to help heal the gut lining while on a strict diet.) By Friday I was feeling GREAT! My energy is up, I don't feel sluggish trying to get up in the morning, my mood is better and I've lost 7 lbs!

I would have to say that the hardest part is changing my habits. It is a habit to stop by the coffee shop in the morning or during the day if I'm going to take a drive somewhere. It is a habit to not prepare my meals ahead of time and thus finding myself hungry and away from home and falling into the fast food trap. It is a habit to feel crappy and sleep until the last possible minute in the morning thereby not getting up to exercise or read an uplifting book. It is a habit that when I'm alone, often depressed, I reach for a sugary food item to make myself feel better in the moment when all that does is add calories and inches and more sluggishness.

The second hardest part is shutting up that voice in my head that keeps saying "Just one cup of coffee isn't going to hurt anything... Just one small cookie, that's not going to set you back... You'll never be able to do this for a whole year, you might as well give up now and save yourself some time. Why deny yourself these things that make you feel good?" That voice is tricky sometimes! I have found myself listening it it unconsciously, very nearly buying a coffee or a brownie before I realized what I was doing! It's scary how unconscious we become... We live on autopilot and don't put a lot of thought into our actions.

I'm still reading Darren Hardy's The Compound Effect which is a great manual for getting a hold of your life again. I just read the section on "bookends" for your day. You may not be able to control what goes on in the middle of your day, taking your kids to school, traffic, interactions at work, the line at the grocery store, but you can control the beginning and end of your day through having a routine. This is the next part of my journey, setting up a good morning and night routine.

I've been waking up at 5am all on my own the last few days. My plan with that time is to change my habit of laying in bed to getting up and exercising and/or reading a good book. I also tend to watch a TV show before bed and before I know it, it's 10:30 or 11:00. I'd like to change that bookend to be one of journaling, blogging and reading. Just getting control over my "bookends" and doing what I want and what is good for me will be so powerful.

I'm doing great so far and I'm so excited about where I will be in 359 days!